Some shit
 

man this aint fun
livin n wishin i had a fuckin gun
to spray off my pain n One
suicide is not wat i want
but tha chance are 1 in a million
i die n leave someone
missin me, on my own
all alone in my home
is probably wats gonna encrypte on my stone
burried in a grave yard hautin vimont
has tha guost that always high n stoned
made out off smoke but i aint gone
n im still here for does who's on
againt life n againts there mom
n those who got em, keep puttin my songs on
even if it belong wit me in my toub ston
where did we go wrong
i hope n believe some, alive's will be still feelin me
anyway who fuckin care im already d.e.a.d.
so pleez tell me why y'all hate me

for the most part this was "some shyt"...not necessarily literally...but somehow i dont think you put much thought into this....ya vocab needs help...let your emotions b your guide....aiight...elevate.....

Yeah, I actually could feel the despairaging emotions in this peice, I just felt they were not properly emancipated.

I mean, I just felt like you were writing certain words in for the sake of having that specific rhyme scheme or something rather than what you were actually feeling in your heart.

But still, it's good stuff.

~Shalom~

Emotions of this piece were watered down by how you wrote it. Though at times they were seen/felt.

It just seems a bit too blunt. Without a real flow or substance. You know, just lost in an at times rigid rhyme scene and words that are just...

Well anyway, it was what it was. And for that, it's good i guess.

...resp...

iight

to tell the i got lost in this, no matter how many times i read it, its never very clear to me how your really feeling, or what your feeling. Try writing something purly from your emotions first, dont worry about anything about getting it out, dont think about rymes, form, flow, nothing, till its done, then take it go over it and then fix it up , just a suggestion

i can see more just wanting to be let out, so unleash it, dont be afraid

~Tera~
DONT HATE

Yah umm ... this piece wasn't bad, the flow just need a little work. i undastand the emotion put forth in this poem, it just kinda sounded a little different, which is iight. But yah i Did get alil lost in the poem ... Structure is a little weak