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None Immortal
Born underweight premature barely breathing/
Arguements were heard as his dad begin leaving/ Never seen again just known as the creator of his soul/ Never knowing when he died so the kid wanted to be his dad, immortal/ After living though the torment which was his birth/ He got to see his first glimpse of this place called earth/ A week old eyes barely open began to get ill/ With no money the mom had no way to pay the bill/ So she dropped him off at his aunt's being the second to abandon/ Growing up unloved and mistreated as the hate grew within/ Just doing chores barely fed the immorality clicked in/ He left out from the house this is where the journey begins/ Turned 13 years old just became a teenager who was foolish/ Dropped out of his eduction with "I'm too cool for this school shit"/ Got mixed up with the wrong crowd although he knew he could not demise/ So he started doing drugs always seen with blood shot eyes/ He got though his teen years with no blemish or scratch/ Then hit twenty sprayed twenty now in jail with no miss to catch/ Twenty years spent in a jail with nothing but men/ But he lived though immortal till the day came when/ He got out still thinking that he was unstoppable/ So he found himself in another gun fight a death was probable/ Looked at the man across he'd seen his face before/ Not knowing where just knowing that he needed to settle the score/ The face was from a picture..It was his giver of soul/ As he shot two though his chest he found out..He wasn't immortal/ *If it wasn't caught..His dad (Giver of soul) was the person who he killed in the end which meant neither were immortal* |
Re: None Immortal
Quote:
your vocab n structure was elementary....but i felt the message you tried to convey in this piece...fa real...it was simple yet deep..n i dont know why.....dont worry though son...you'll elevate...fa real...nicely done idigo |
iight
vocab- need to up it some, get off the simple, im so plain words structure- needs its work, but not that bad emotion- sorta felt it sorta didnt, it was trying to shine thou but i could only just see it but you did get your message across i felt at times i needed more of the story like i was missin something, paint me more of a picture, give me more of a feeling of being there, seeing it with me eyes, feeling the pain, the love, hate, so forth all and all it was pretty good just start workin on some of your basics iight LOVE ~Tera~ DONT HATE |
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