The Man Who Wasnt There
 

"The Man Who Wasn't There"
Written By: Luis "ELEETE" Castillo / SoL
Chorus taken from "The Psychoed" by Hughes Mearns

As I was going up the stairs
I met a man who wasnt there
He wasnt there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away

Painful thoughts
Ripple through my head
Dead, I'd rather be instead
It doesnt have to be this way
I wish, I wish he'd go away

Darkness falls
Like curtains before my eyes
But I can see through his disguise
He wasnt there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away

Im lost
I dont know where I am
I cant think straight
I wish I knew who was this man

As I was going up the stairs
I met a man who wasnt there
He wasnt there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away

As I was going up the stairs
I met a man who wasnt there
He wasnt there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away

I'm Psychoed
I dont know my true identity
This isnt how it was meant to be
I swear it on this very day
Ill make him, make him go away

Into the light
And out this hell
Im searching, searching for myself
To find that man and where he lay
So that I will make him go away

Ill do it
Ill do it if I can
I wont stop searching
Until I find this man

As I was going up the stairs
I met a man who wasnt there
He wasnt there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away

As I was going up the stairs
I met a man who wasnt there
He wasnt there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away

I'm frightened
By this haunting terror
searching for a man who isnt there
He wasnt there again today
I wish, I wish he' go away

I love the original peice by Hughes Mearns
it always puts chills down my spine
when it is recited in the right voice
this peice did the same as you crafted it into your own
i applaude your work of doing this without
ruining the original peice itself

~~elev~~
pz DF

I wasn't really feelin this at times, but then again you kept my interest. I fell like sometimes it kinda fell apart though, with the simple scheme and rhyming... no hate intended.
Maybe you can rewrite it and just try to throw some more vocab in? No offense though.
I'd give the piece a 6/10... just keep elevating.
Ya got the touch but ya just need the finishing.

1 Luv

yah I agree, I wasn't drawn into this poem throughout the entire thing, but you did keep my interest. The repeating "I wish, I wish he'd go away" worked out nicely. At first, I didn't think it would fit the structure of the poem, but it worked perfectly.

nice piece,it had good structure,nice vocab,all in all tight piece,keep drop.~1~