Blame?
 

My first open mic......Blame?

My dreams mislead, either the noble road or path of greed//
Seed within, in deep:demons feed, deep within my soul it breads//
Makes it hard to breath, got me questioning the lord above himself//
I know he provides my health, yet Im left askin him what else?//
I don't question exsistance, except possibly what I meant by these questions....//
Are that I made them to question fate, how orthodox are God's lessons?//
Or should I place blame on society? Slappin' restrictions when I try n' speak//
Or the glimmer of hope made appear to vanish in front of my eyes, entirely//
Or maybe the pressures of today, elders expected me to look a certain way//
Talk, walk, and live a certain place, shun hip hop and slap a grin to my face?//
There's the dark shadow of hate, discrimination, hard hidin' from racism//
Wit whites n' blacks hatin' skins, who cares about color? Then again look at God for makin'em//

Today and everyday, lost a little spirit thats gone away//
Prayin' to a higher place, hopin' I can keep a little to stay awake//
From eternal sleep, my mumured speach ignites like a flame//
Mother? Father? God? My conscience urges me to seek the blame//

Is he punishing the world for damaging the air and trees? Or just me?//
I can't see past the haze,seems commercialism got me to the point I cannot see//
What has world sucome to? Goverment, UN, laws...are all irrevelant//
To the point people blowin themselves up and a dunce is granted President//
But a teen will never get, a chance to express himself, never the benefit//
It's just "Look good for the 6 o'clock news" and that my friend is the end of it//
But I don't feel anger, that'll lead me to become the teen stereotype//
And blame the world for my life, take away my pain with gun or knife//
But that's not me, I live nearly on the verge of expressionless actions//
My theory: If life throws bricks of shit then why not build yaself a mansion?//
So amongst the pain, my role, my path, my beliefs all stay the same//
Because I do believe in God....For I have no one else to blame........

Today and everyday, lost a little spirit thats gone away//
Prayin' to a higher place, hopin' I can keep a little to stay awake//
From eternal sleep, my mumured speach ignites up like a flame//
Mother? Father? God? My conscience urges me to seek the blame//

Uppin a response on this.......

Bein slept on one meesly opinion, please ppl, just give ya thoughts on it, i wanna know how this shit is cuz it's my first time droppin' in open mic.......1

Wow i never knew........peeps slept like this come on

Its because you dont leave good reply's to other peoples shit, why should they read yours if you wont read theres?

Anyways. .
the topics been done before, many a time, so it wasnt too original, the flow was kinda stop / start, it was decent in some parts but then you'd change rhyme scheme / structure and bar length and that would ruin the flow to it. You did have some internals and multi's, however, they were pretty basic, you need to get more than two syllable multi's in there, try to make each line roughly 13-16 syllables per line to get the flow down [packed, the content was actually pretty good, i preferred the second verse and the hook was decent.

All in all, the piece was felt, but the topic wasnt. I understand this was your first piece so thats why the multi's / internals / flow werent as good as they could of been. Sorry if i came across harshg in my reply, but im just tryna help you elevate, its constructive critisism, you wouldnt elevate if i came in here and hjust said "This was dope" - which is why i dont - dont take this as a hate reply, because i actually liked this, you showed potential, im just tryna help you in the long run. = )

Eace-Pay!

Thanks for the response....................it was my first time............and i never really check open mic........so i can see why, i would not know that topic has been up before.............ill work on what you said for next time

i liked that...was a good drop, flow was iight, word play was good, i liked the vocab in a lot of the parts...by your battle record you shud try an bring a dis song to phony lryicest, it might help yah flow an make others realize your potential peace homie