i burn you
 

im gonna knock you bitch out for weeks/
you cant spit no more cause your too weak/
stood up and you got dizzy/
you whore all you try to do is get busy/
man i hate this guy tryin to be cool but you know what/
this bitch is tryin to suck my nuts/
your a bitch who is as useless as shredded paper/
bitch tryin to take my paper cause he gonna be gone later/
fuck you cause you bitch know nothin but you just have fat ass ways/
all your fake rhymes are as weak as vanilla ice rappin/
you make benzino look like a legend/
i offend you and beat you up like a dead animal/
you like a hump of the homos cause your named a camel/
i disable your mic and burn your arms/
burn your palms so bad i set off fire alarms/
sprinklers sprayin all over the place and wet everywhere/
if your rhymes were compared to any mc theyd get slammed in a hole cause you get too scared/
you scared homo know nothin so i burn yo toes/
break ya nose until it explodes and conflagrates into burnt ashes/
you have just been cremated and burnt so bad as "10th degree"/
smashes the black and white stuff into trays/
bye bye you bitch cause now your gone for every day and no place in your after life to stay cause i killed that today/

some people critique this please

I didnt like this piece too much actually, the flow was really choppy, i couldnt get into it, maybe alter the line lengths out so their more equal syllable wise, i try for 12-16 syllables per line toi get my flow downpacked. Also, add more multi's and internals, they make the flow stronger and build the structure of open mic pieces. The vocab to this was decent, could be improved slightly, also, next time, try rhyming to a set topic such as "Death" or "The Future" because peole drop pieces like this all the time, and reading the same type of thing over and over gets repetitive and unattractive to the reader, try to be more original.

Hope that helped you some. Keep practicing.

Peace!

You Really Need To Work On Making Your Verses
More Complex, With Internals and Dope Images .

^ You really need to stop with the short replies and actually help these kids with posts as long aas that one i did at least = )

was there anything good in this piece cause i thought it seriously wasnt bad. i thought i had some good punches

there were good punches in this..........it was jus choppy as cam said but you got all the right shit.........dunt matter its open mic so no matter how peeps criticise or praise it its still ya own personal piece.......lol

Oo0o0oh Cam ^^ My Reply Was Better Than His . . . =)

I have to agree with cam and cyanide. the flow was real choppy could use some work, vocab was alright as for structure and wordplay.... well that could use work to, so basically just play around with it. try usin some different words and what not and try not to rhyme or repeat with the same word unless u got somethin to go with it right afterwards to continue the flow. so juss kep practicin at it man. peace

personally i didnt like this piece, it was hard to follow,the flow was choppy,tha rhyme scheme was off, and the imagery wasnt all that good, it had good punches other than that it need elevation, over all 5 out of 10 not a bad drop.keep spittin and elevatin.~1~