..::SlEeP::..
 

Im going to the store with a food stamp//
I was hungry so i stole it off a tramp//
All of a sudden these guys pulled up in a blue van//
Two of them ran up an knock me out with a choke slam//
I cralled around untill i found a huge branch//
It K.O.'d the first dude an it smashed when it hit-him//
The otherone wit-him turned to run an i went for his neck an slit-him//
He came back wit like 10 other guy's shoutin get-him//
At first just they just stood there sweatin//
The second came an i pinned-him, lit-him an took a shit on him//
The others ran screaming "fuck the devils in-him"//
Then i woke up swingin in the middle of the kitchen//

yo uppin fo comments.......

Ehhhh. .
i wasnt feeling this piece a whole lot, vocab was basic, storytelling wasnt that good, you really need some sort of flow and not just basic one-syllable rhyming words, multi's and internals would spice this up waaaaaay more, try to get your lines an equal length syllable wise for flow, and ditch the // at the end of your lines because their just wack.
also:

^There is no way on earth those two lines rhyme.
I see what you've meant to do, but yeah, you'll get better with practice so just keep writing and looking to improve, take this as Constructive Critisism - dont hate against me for saying i didnt like it, im just trying to help you by telling you where to improve.

Pz.

tanx man..
just started rapin..

uppin fo comments

camarac shut up, idiot, this piece made me laugh all the way through, bust it out to the biggie n tupac madison square garden beat an it sounds madd funny but ill, may-b cuz i am high as a mo-fukka but there.........

this peice was alright, your flow was pretty good, it could use some work, your vocab was ok could be up'd a little bit, but overall it was a alright peice, keep dropping.

tnx fo the feedbk... aprrieated.... yo read my otha tell me if i improved.......