You're Not Far Away
 

Separated for a lifetime and I'm still so young
Just wanted to be a mother to my dear sweet son
There's nothing in this world that is harder to do
Than letting go of your child that broke my heart in two
I would have gave my life for yours flesh of my flesh
Got your name in a heart tattooed on my breast
I look forward to heaven can't wait to get there
We'll have so many memories we will share
I'd like to know why do babies have to die?
God knows the pain behind these tears I cry
I admit I wasn't living right I missed out on so much
I wouldn't listen to nobody and I was out of touch
Dealing with wounds that won't ever fully mend
I'll have to live out my days never to be whole again
To hold you for the last time what a blow to take
I get the blues sometimes that I cannot shake
But you're in a better place it's a comfort to know
I'm running straight to you when it's my time to go
I dream of you at night you are handsome as can be
When I close my eyes I picture you so beautiful to me
It ain't enough that I'm breathing so I pray
That I stay up and make the most of today
And when I rise in the morning this is what I say
I keep you close son, you're not far away.......

wow this was deep
technically (flow, mulits...) this was rather simple...
but it shined in what you were telling
good drop

if you would be so kind
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=81665

Thank you. It isn't very structured, it's poetic but it is more of a verse than a poem. Thanks for the input.

Decent....but you've got only eight posts so you need to elavate.Try to structure it a lil better,try some metties,vocab and wordplay.....
1

thanks I will. I already see how I can make it better.

uppin

you flowed in stanza form it makes it difficult to catch tyhe rhythm but i think this was a great post the content was perfect......because its written here naturally we will find flaws....but when i spit it to myself i felt it and that is music in its truest form this was a fab peace.
stay up and holla if you want to collab

Thanks word. And I'll take you up on that collab. PM me or get at me on AIM. Thanks for giving a rookie a confidence boost.

ma your gonna be good dont worry about it
just a warning.. you cant up this more than 4 times... u got 3
and responding to someone feedback can be counted as an upp

Yeah this was a good peice, it was a good read too i thought, your flow was good, your structure was alright, your content was good i thought, overall it was a good peice, keep dropping, and if you get the chance check out one of my peice, thanks.

damn ma' that was a real deep post. Just keep your head up high and keep doin what you doin....everything happens for a reason. Good post, keep it up, 1

i was really feelin that. u could tell u put alot of work into that. the wordplay and vocab were pretty simple, but ull get better wit more posts. the structure was good. the flow was on target for most of it. good drop, keep postin and elevatin gurl i really enjoyed readin that.

peace.....

like whoa!
nice to see some new open mic talent on rb.
only the people who have been here a while have been dropping good shit lately.

this was a nice peice, Sally. The emotion was definitely felt, and your flow was actually really good. You had next to no wordplay, so try to incorporate metaphors a similes into your verses. When you just write exactly what you want to say, it leaves little for the reader to wonder about. It also makes your rhymes boring after a while. So I would suggest adding some wordplay.
Multies would help you a lot too. A Multi is when you rhyme more than one word with more than one word. So instead of ending every line with a rhymeing word, try ending it with two rhyming words or three.
Once you try all these things out, you will definitely improve.


really nice lines. emotional.
Peace