~The Unseen~
 

This is a little something I dreamed up while reflecting on society. Not my best, but my first drop here so give me some feedback.

We are the unseen, the unloved, the unknown/
Unrecognized, unknowing, lost in shadow, alone/

We are the stillborn, unbreathing and unamed/
Unfeeling at birth, unliving, quick death, unmarked grave/

We are the unseen, the unloved, the unknown/
Unrecognized, unknowing, lost in shadow, alone/

We are the unsensing, the mute deaf and blind/
Unspeaking, unhearing, unseeing, unsurely locked in out own minds/

Repeat Chorus

We are the third-world children, uneating, unhealthy/
Unshown to oblivious worlds, unhealing, unwealthy/

Repeat Chorus

We are the homeless, unmoving, unnoticed, unhelped/
Uncomforted, unacknowledged, unnoticed, unwell

Repeat Chorus

We are the day laborers, unrested, underpayed/
Overworked, yet unrespected, uninusured and disarrayed/

Repeat Chorus

We are their lonely children, unwatched and unfed/
Left to unsepervised lives, untaught, unhelped, unchecked, unled/

Repeat Chorus

Who will you be? You undirty, uncaring, unperturbed?/
Will you search and help until all the unseen are unearthed?/

Faukin sleepers

aight homie, first ima say u need more space for rhymes, and less for the chorus, i thought it was kinda weird that u kept repeatin the chorus after every bar. but anywho, i thought the wordplay was ok, it could still use some elevation, but the vocab was pretty good, it flowed ok, and overall it wasnt bad for a newb, so keep at it, keep postin, and ull get better.

yo if u have the time can u hit up my latest post?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=82558
thanx

peace.....

this was a alright peice, it was a alright read too, yeah i agreed it was kinda weird repeating the chorus like that, you had good flow though, and your vocab was good, it was a good peice overall, keep dropping.