Eyes
 

Wrote this on the bus today... they pretty girl was sitting behind me and had the dopest eyes i have ever seen... so i wrote this.... and got her number lol but yeah its kinda a poem... any feedback???

Blue green brown, hazel and teal
It doesnt matter what the color, you can still see how they feel
Eyes are like emotion, and theres no way for that to change
You can see them up close, while they see across the range
You can see when they're happy, you can see when they're mad
You can see they're reaction, when something is scantally clad
You can look into them, and get all the answers you need
Or look in them and get lost, and never again be seen
Eyes are always open, even when closed
The same way you can see a body, even when *clothed*
You can see when you're loathed, or when you are loved
They can push you way harder, than if you were shoved
But they dont touch, all they can do is see
They can be in total rage, but when asleep look peace-fully
If you lose an eye, you don't loose the ability to feel
But you do loose the ability, to tell the difference of whats real
You can see the direction of a gaze, but not what it's directed at
They can be looking at a room, but be focused on a cat
Eyes interprite everything, sight is the most important of senses
Because with hands you can feel a fence, but not know where the fence is
And the world is made of fences, but not all are literally there
Because a fence can be many things, a wall, a goal, or something that makes you scared

original concept...honestly, some lines were blah...some were good...


it seems that you relate everyday situations in life in your open mics...which is nice. continue to do so...


work on your metaphors hoe.


p.s.


i freepost better.

^hoe.




what now

hmmm... well i cetainly felt flow coming through...
Nice to see something written that is both coherent and "meaningful"... too many whack mc's in these forums trying to show off their dictionary's skills...

not sure i felt the couplet that ended with "closed" twice....

this could use some tweaking and it will up by itself...

{Peace}

Pretty nice flow man. I like it. 8 outta 10. Keep droppin shit like this. I hope to see more.

it was supposed to say "clothed" my bad.... does that make more sense???

Yeah this was a pretty good piece i thought, it was a alright read, it flowed pretty well through out the piece, your vocab was good, and your content was good too, overall it was a good piece, keep dropping.

^^^thx... uppin for some more feedback

^^yea what they said

i think the flow was on point..but im weird
the topic was done well, good that you stayed on it
good drop in every aspect

if you would be so kind
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=83050

^^^weakest feedback ever