lost love (Feed back plz)
 

*Lost Love*



Time is slippin fast
but the end is soon to come
I want this to last.
Cuz The feeling inside
It is so much fun

Like drinking liquid,
I'm 'gulppin' so much in
My throat's going to explode
But I don't want no other men.

A thought passes me by
Pacing my mind
Like a lost soul in the wind
My hearts growing
This love within

I want you here
By my side
Come 'floating' in
by the ocean tide.

I don't care
Not anymore
Everyone can kiss my ass
Cuz your mine
Forever more.

My hearts cracking
Every second your away
It is soon going to break
Tommorow
may be today.

Like a game
I'm not even playin
The pieces are 'cheating'
This isn't 'fair'
People are namin

Letter by letter
they are sent in the mail
A love story
or even a fairytale

Like I'm jailled
I'm 'locked' inside
My feelings surrounding me
no way to release myself
I failed.

My eyes are stung
My stomach turning
My hearts pounding
No air in my lungs

People take it wrong
Splitsoul
I wish you wern't gone
Man I love you
Yes I do!
This is taking way too long!

^^is more poetry than Open Mic

*I Am HoTTZ, ThAtZ WhY SPlitSOuL OwnZ Me! BuT I aM No TeaSe! CoMe On BoyZ, CoME aNd sEE JusT HoW GOod I PlEaZ!*

^^in other hand i want to see how good u work that tongue...lol

yeah i agree this was a more poetic piece, but it was a good read, it flowed pretty well through out the piece i thought, i felt the emoticion in this piece, content was good too, overall it was a good piece, keep dropping.

well i thought this was fine as a rap... since all rap is rooted in poetry...

One thing you might try is printing this out and putting matching numbers or letters next to your end rhymes...

For Example:
Time is slippin fast (A)
but the end is soon to come (B)
I want this to last.(A)
Cuz The feeling inside (C)
It is so much fun (B)

Like drinking liquid, (D)
I'm 'gulppin' so much in (E)
My throat's going to explode (F maybe D?)
But I don't want no other men. (E)

and so on... i think if you do this you will find that this simple poetic scansion exercise will show you that you need to spend more time on rhyme structure...

ya feel?

{Peace}

uppin............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..

I think also it feel more on the lines of poetry but gurl it was really from the heart I felt the meaning......

LOOK FOR IT SOON
MURDA_MISTRESS DROPS OPEN MIC 10/6/03

thanks, uppin............................................. .................................................. .........

plz kill yourself

uppin/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

uppin............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............

I feel you on that one too girl. I love poetry and that was a good piece of poetry.
Keep writin'

{Love}

uppin............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ............