Distress call ( feedbck Pleaz)
 

Distress Call

Fertalized egg by one mistake
A foolish game should've never been played
The consequences never to be paid
A life taken by the devil himself
Like a miss placed item on top of a shelf
A helpless embryo with somewhere to go
A path to follow, struggles unknown

Crushed by complications
Surrounded by insulation
Like a piece of glass
Inside all the 'pane'
She trys to get away
Like running a race
There is no one to chase

Her dreams disappear
Like black cats in the night
Stuck in a maze
But there can't be a fight
The alcoholic parents
The ones that never cared
Send her fears straight into the air.
Like a lighting strike in the sky
A deep thought crosses her mind.

Her name in a dictionary
Because her life is so 'defined'
It can't be replaced
For she is the scuicidal kind

Desperatly wanting help
She steering for the edge
Wishing she had success
Before she puts herself to rest

Embrassed in her disgrace
She lives life without a trace
Bowing her head to cover her face
Embarrassed by her shame
She lives on with a her name
To start a new game

Decent flow. Was off in certain areas but i liked it. Keep droppin. I hope to see more. Lataz.

Yeah i agree...this was a pretty good piece..it flowed pretty well, fell off at some points but it was a good flow...your vocab was pretty good...it was a good concept..and you had good content..i liked how you opened this piece, it was pretty good..overall it was a good piece i thought, keep dropping.

uppin............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ............

i thought the post was aight, the flow fell off a little, but other than that the vocab and wordplay were ok, the topic and content were original, but that was a pretty good peice for a newbie, keep at it, ill be lookin out for ur shit.

peace......

pimpin' flow. you are definately elevating very quickly.

uppin............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ........

this is more like a poem... you should prolly put some of your shit in poetry scriptures...
but other than that, the context was good, you vocab was aight,
but the emo. you put into this peice was good... I like this.
just a lil advice... only drop once a day, otherwise understatement or some other mod will close all of your post...
which I see has happened before.
A.T.

this is more like a poem, you should prolly start droppin in
poetry scriptures, other than that, this was a good peice.
your vocab was aight, topic was good, and the emo. that you
put into this was outstanding... I like it...
and a little advice... only drop once a day.. otherwise understatement or some other mod will close all of your post.
A.T.

uppin............................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..........