game over
 

i walk up in here there a lot pussy round/
stroll up 2 tha bar feelin the beat as it pounds/
i c this girl she pretty as shit/
got a booty like a godess i wana get up in it/
she throws me a glance an a lil smile/
i give her one back gonna make my move in a while/
but this punk walks up an grabs her by the arm/
hes her x he threatnin hostility an harm/
i wander over to lend a helpin hand/
what can i say its just the kinda guy i am/
he starts on me,the guy aint wise/
wheres all the love,like the peas song he gonna get black eyes/
he throws a punch it hit me in the mouth/
i grab a bottle an knock the mutha fucka out/
all hell breaks loose,bitches start screamin/
bitch niggas prayin hopin god will redeem em/
im duckin an weavin throwin my fists like ali/
i c the guy get up he knows he dont want no beef wit me/
but its all too late he bout go to class/
i pull the heat an empty the clip in his ass/
game over.

That was a simple piece. I would recommend staying active and keep posting and you'll definitely elevate. Next time use more wordplay, metas and multies in your pieces. Make your verses more clever and they will be more interesting to read. But stay active southside keep writing and you'll elevate.

thanks for the feedback,i should explain the lack of wordplay etc is because it was just feestyle an i find it hard to tell my stories without bein straight to the point but cheers,an keep it gangsta,1

okay, it was very simplistic. for 1 you need to lengthen your lines to help the flow and make it smoother and elevate your vocab. I know you say it's a freestyle but come on... you can at least use the freestyle as a rough draft type thing and go back and elevate it or something. There is NO such thing as a true freestyle... that's "typed". Especially if you only have 5 posts up till now you don't want to start off with a weak "freestyle" b/c it won't get people to pay attention to you in the future and they'll think you're a weak newbie so you won't get much feedback till you show real skill... it may be game over but I say you press reset and try again

pz

haha... I liked that line bout the peas song... lmao...
anyway... your flow and content was pretty basic.
If ya lookin to elevate, throw in a couple of multies and
put a lil more content into your flow... it will make it
nice and smooth... not bad though dawgy, keep droppin...
A.T.

yea pretty much like everyone else said...pretty simple, vocab, wordplay and multies could all use a work...keep dropping though...