my #1 fan
 

this is my second song and this one is made out of hate

you said i was number 1, but now all you do is make fun/
you lie to me you broke your promise, now i know you were never honest/
i wasted my time i thought you were true, i guess lieing is the only thing that you do/
i guess it was just a game for you, other people told me they were in it too/
i was just a part of your evil game, i know from now on you will stay the same/
ill always be your number 1 fan, thats the biggest lie ever oh man/
i dont need you i can make it on my own, i will never give you my heart to loan/
i guess i might as well end it now/good bye world POW

its short but thats the best i can do right now

first, thats not a song, its a verse, songs have hooks, but for a VERSE that was pretty weak, u used simple words to rhyme, while u had multis, they were all simple like i just said, ur structure and flow were pretty good, but ima say to improve ur post the most, make it a little longer, and elevate on ur use of words, u got ability homie, just keep workin at it.

peace........

like i said i made this fast and directly out of hate and anger i had a rough night so i thought i should put it down on paper

^^^i never said nothin bout that, i just said it wasnt a song, no beef homie, just pointin out the facts, no hate though, keep droppin ur shit.

peace......

^^ no i think that was beef dawg u want a battle wit dis man i can tell and it was pretty weak all of it the vocab and all

^^^shut the hell up, i was givin constructive criticism dumbass not beefin wit him, id rather merk u for the second time, but i aint beefin wit u dmoney keep droppin holmes......

peace.......

it was not that excitin to me
more action
more detial
multis'

thanks everyone

You need to elevate your vocab, it was way to simplistic here, but it's your second piece so i can't really hold much against you. God knows my shit was worse when i started.

Structure it more, try to make the bars the same legnth basically all the way throught.

eg...instead of:
you said i was number 1, but now all you do is make fun/
you lie to me you broke your promise, now i know you were never honest/

try:
You claimed I Was Soley Number 1, All You Do Is Humiliate...
Your Unmorally Dishonest, With You - I Don't Wanna Affilate...

see, flows alot better.

Was o..k for a 2nd piece though. 1/5, but don't take it badly, just keep rhymin' :)