first ever open mic - war?
 

My first ever open mic, please leave comments , drop links and ill get back at ya,





TWIN TOWERS

Two years on, the artificial scars may have healed,
But mental ones remain, with children whos parents were killed,
Thousands perished, litres of innocent blood spilled,
These monsters don’t care, intend to turn the planet into a warfield,
Declare “holy war” on America, but all nationalities were in the towers,
So called “martyrs” not brave, but brainwashed by evil cowards,
Who turn impressionable boys into killas then go into hiding,
Id take my own revenge, if I found out where theyre residing,
The terrorists days are numbered, responsible for what occurred,
Thinking of the pain they incurred makes me wanna utter a curse word,

IRAQ


Little girls growin up without a father figure,
Causes the us army to configure,
More orphans just in a different country,
Two sets of cities cluttered with debris,
Will dropping bombs bring back the dead?
Shouldn’t we try and discuss things instead?
Saddam and Bush, is there a difference?
Do they share the same character reference?
In future lets try and work things out talking,
That way, we can all watch our children walking,

thought you touched on an emotional subject...but delivered it poorly. ya flow wasn't very consistant and ya use of words was weak...i would also work on ya multi,s.............peace!

check this if ya can, return the feed...

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...&threadid=84480

^^yeah werd the subject was good but ur vocab wasnt neither was ur flow but just keep postin and elevatin and u wll deliver some tight shit

that was pretty good for a newb....ur flow fell off a little, and ur vocab and wordplay could use some elevation, but for the most part that was a tight post, great topic to write about.....keep droppin homie, u definetely have potential.....

peace......

thanx for the feedback uppin.....

Feedback
 

topic has been played too much
flow was weak but on
good for a newb piece tho

Plz Redo the favor by droppin feedback on my post

okay to upgrade this .....
attack a new angle to the tragedy look up my 9~1~1 peace on the site it has 9~1~1 in the title like that it was recent.
there i attacked it as a person walking throught the rubble afer and finding himself dying but not realizing it.
vocab complexity is another factor i like how you used simple rhyme scheme but mix in some complext format to it......
be descriptive.
if you want me to believe in what you see in the song you have to write it ike you saw it and felt it.
you didnt do bad these gys are just pointing out how to make it better.

^word to that....
aint much I can say that hasnt been said... just keep
droppin.
Ashy

yeh its all been said.....try and drop to a set structure, the flow will come, and keep the rhyme scheme simple at the beginning, make sure its constant and regular.....

topic is played....good effort, you got potential