Lookin into a Life
 

no reponse with words but with hands and arms..as a result
his sanity stands at a reputation that harms.. consumed with
fire arms,violence and faces criminal behavior..looks at
the savior with questions to ask..with nothing good to look at
his final question was his last..his parents heard a blast..
running fast in his room..tryin to look at the past to figure out
what cast his doom..a note was found he barely wrote one line..the
only other things around was a coat and a nine..barely any emotion
did he ever show..a family with questions but answers they never
would know..there only and youngest son would never been seen or heard..
with no other hope left they picked up a bible to read the good word..
how was this family gonna replace his spirit..his mom ask the picture
of the dead son the question and looked at the face to hear it..
there was no answer..his family lost all hope his death was a cancer..
he was now in a casket..with a basket of flowers on his chest..flowers
out of love as he was in his eternal rest..the best of there lives
was motionless and in ash form..a storm of friends couldnt lay
warm in there bed..they bowed there head..lookin at there responsibility
as a friend but failed he's dead..

not bad, i have to say, it started off really good, lots of flow keeping it together, towards the end it seemed to lack the tight structure but the moral was the most important element here i guess. A touching piece, keep dropping.

check mine

Schoolyard Memoirs

iight

i agree the message was the most important part in this piece, as is in most pieces, but you have to focus on structure still, try fixing it up once all the message and emotion is out. it was a good piece thou for what it was, thou sometimes a bit confussing when reading it. also i thought it could be a bit more expanded, or dug deeper in his life

~Tera~
DONT HATE