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[Wk2] Mad Man vs Sureal
Verses Due: As Close To Now As Humanly Possible Voting Ends: Whenever the hell the rest of them end. Topic=Over Achiever |
Nick always had played by the rules, no matter what they may be
Never even started cussing, until he had turned sixteen He did what he was told, and excelled in each and every class He was easily getting A's, while others struggled to pass Nick never hung out with the cool kids at school, but it was a sacrifice he made Until one night his best friend called him, and told him he had bought a keg Nick went to the party that night, and drank himself into a stooper But Nick didn't care that he couldn't remember, to him their was nothing cooler And as weeks passed, and consumption grew, Nick's grades had started to slip Like his clothes did around girls, when they wanted to skinny dip Drinking went to weed, and weed slowly turned to crack Before Nick knew what was going on, their was no turning back And as Nick snorted on those white lines, something happened that his mom wouldn't believe Nick overdosed that night, in the middle of the party, for everyone it seemed, to see As the obituary was posted, his mom wanted to make something clear That he died, as an Overdosing Achiever And for all of you out there, I submit this for your consideration Live life to the fullest, but do it all in moderation. |
Her Spirit Mutters, And Roll In Its Grave.
Angels Stutter, Flipping Masters To Slaves. Those Who Once Lead, Now Take Opposite Roles. Look Ahead, Back Stepping Leaves Empty Souls. Why Drink Empty Canteens, Full Of Nothing. Why Belt Legs, It Only Leaves Knees Buckling. Why Achieve More Than Anyone Tells You To? Please Yourself First, Just Stay True To You. Life Gets You Nowhere In Death, Best Beleive. Only One Breath, Cuz They Only Stay To Leave. Flip The Turntable, Let The Track Entrap You. Overcome Labels, Let The Crack In, Strap You. Why Surrender Flags, Left Handed Just Because. Drink 2 Pills, Pop 2 Beers, And You Feel The Buzz. So Flip The Grave Stones and Roll Over, Acheiver. Feet Drop Backwards, And You Still Beleive Her? |
Mad Man- The storytelling was nice. It was clear that this was rushed, but it still had a certain good quality to it. I didn't quite understand how much time passed during the piece. Did he do all those drugs at that one party? Or did it happen over a longer period of time? Your flow was off, there were lots of unecessary words that made it shitty. The topic didn't come into play until the end, but it was a nice flip.
Sureal-Dope wordplay, I have to say, because I thought this topic required a story. I didn't think one could stick to it well enough by just writing. Lack of Multies, where there could have been tons. Better flow than Mad's. There was some nice symbolism, and I really liked the closing line. Not a bad battle, for a one night stand. vote- Sureal |
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mad man - i didn't much like your way of fitting "over acheiver" into your verse.. it seemed a way of getting around the topic. you did a good job with your topic as it was.. the boy was a previous overacheiver before getting into crack etc... it still could be connected with over acheiver. but your bars were stretched a little.. you almost got this
Sureal - you fit the topic well also, took a different approach . bpth did very well . you had shorter bars, let me think what i wanted about it, use my imagination more. i like that style a lot more... vote - sureal |
I thought mad man wasnt kinda on topic, nice story, but ...wit
Overdosing Archiever Man thats not a way to stay on a topic, ... Could be executed way better the way u wrote ur verse, .. Sureal tho, ..came ok on topic, ..without to many forcins, ...bout tryin to be on topic, ...and took this one Vote - Sureal |
Quote:
Mad Man - Your verse seemed almost forced, I did like that line I quoted but I felt there were to many 'He' & 'Nick' within the verse. Quote:
Sureal - Alot of wordplay, really enhanced the read, didnt need the story telling, I really liked this peice, good work. Vote - Sureal Final Comment: Sureal just had an overall better verse, the wordplay & flow was alot better then Mad Mans, Mad Man .. had a good concept but I really didnt feel the way he expressed it worked for me. |
Sureal wins.
[closed] |
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