Loser
 

this is even less hip hop than my previous post.. oh well. tell me what you think.

(Untitled)

I.

you limp loser you skinny subversive
lying on the bed nothing in your head but the taste of water
nothing in your heart but the sound of laughter

walking with me through the chill autumn streets
smiling at the moon pulling at the dead leaves
nothing in your mind except your favorite revolver.

You'll be the death of me
Yeah, don't think that I can't see
what lies behind your smile

stay with me, a little while longer.

II.

when you see me stretched out shivering on the floor
numb from the effort, reaching for the shore

would you wait a little while, before we traveled more?

III.

I'd be crucified before I let you go,
you beautiful shadow
you lonesome diversion

I know just what you've hidden in your careful expression,
your thin conversations

all these years…
you and I, we've been walking the line.

you've sacrificed everything to watch me die.
you'll fail, but just between us, thanks for trying

“Conversion is an arduous process, but I'll get you in the end.”



this piece might seem ambigious, but actually I wrote it while heartsick, at a very hard time in my life. it is one of the most truly honest things I have ever written.

lots of hate in this piece, you kept this simple and got your message across clear and crisp. it was a good message and a nice read! i liked the end of this piece it finshed it off nicely

~my love~

thanks! I'm glad you though it ended nicely, it took me some time to decide that the different segments fit together
..

what the heck happened to my other post? did somebody delete it?

I don't have more than two posts on the front page... so I really don't know what's going on here.

I dunno what happened with ya other posts, but dang lemmie read it. This was deep. I loved how you started with the alliteration at the beginning, and numbered the almost different stages in this peice... I could see some hate in this but for some reason I didn't feel like it was focused outside of yourself. Maybe because I felt the first two insults weren't something one would say to another person... But the rhyme scheme in this was pure brilliance! It was scattered to the naked eye but fell perfectly within rythm to the ear. You took simple words and coupled them with more complex thoughts and even words to make them a step up, a sign of true tallent. I am impressed with your work and I look forward to seeing some more in the future, peace

Calisto,
really appreciate the comments... you have a sharp eye, as you understood the point of the piece. yes, none of the hate is directed outside myself. I am talking to a double, or a certain aspect of myself. its an internal dialogue, rendered faithfully but made ambigious/surrealist by the way I portray it. at least, that's what I was aiming at.

hey yo...just uppin to tell you that i really liked this and to keep writing...btw i think theres alot of hate in this piece but i liked it