This is my life (really dope peice)
 

Yo I'm a just try and keystyle somethin bout my life. All feedback is appreciated.


The day was 2nd June 1987/
I was born into a hell when it should of been heaven/
Up to the age of five I was a happy child....now it seems my heart has been severed/
From that age on it's been nothin but stormy weather....that's why when I rap I don't intend to say shit mild/
It all started when my parents were arguein....none of 'em realised I was standin at the top of the stairs all the while/
I still have nightmares bout that day....it was so fuckin wild/
Dad I saw you storm out the door and you never came back....you say you love me but how do I know your not in denial/
That vision effected me....what else d'ya think makes me punch the bathroom tiles and wanna tear up my moms work files/
Just to make things worse....you were'nt there when I found out my school teacher was a peodophile/ (incase he touched me)
The only time you've been there for me is when my hero, uncle Harry died/
You asked me if I was Ok, I said yeah fine....but you knew I lied/
I can't get over your death Harry....even tho I've tried/
It was July 14th 2002, the pearly gate's opened up for you/
I can picture it now....you strollin right through/
Save me a place with you and the lord coz one day I'll be joinin you/
I remember me and you up late watchin the sport/
I loved your house dawg....it was my castle, my fort/
Every week I'd munch on the snacks you had bought, drink your cups of tea and know you'll always watch over me/
Nothins changed....your still a part of me and visions of the good times we had is what I see/
I know you'll be proud no matter what I turn out to be/
Since your death so much shit has happened to me/
I've lost friends, battled depression, suffered an ankle injury and had picket signs held up at me/
Dawg who woulda thought my school would protest against me over somethin I said/
That shit was hard....every night I lay awake in my bed/
Damn....durin that time I just wanted to be dead/
But look at me now....slowly I'm growin stronger/
I cant wait to see you again coz they say absence makes the heart grow fonder/.


Harry Whitfield (R.I.P)
This is for you dawg.....I miss you

tight piece, it seemed to be more of a poetic piece but it was still ill, you had good vocab,good imagery, real emotion felt, all real life shit, only thing u lacked is your rhyme scheme, it skipped around too much, you should slow down your rhyme scheme, when your words rhyme to too many different things in a sentence then it sounds kinda throwed,but other than that this piece was real ill kid, keep droppin tha hotness,hit my piece up if you could.~1~

dope
rhyme scheme cudda been played abit better with some multis or internals, but the message was soo deep, it didnt need any. mad this was a great piece, flow cudda been better, more like poetry to me. really deep str8 4rom da mind, keep uppin

Uppin for feedback.

Thanks for the comments guys (and girls - ayura)

Uppin for feedback

Uppin for feedback

It seemed heartfelt and emotional, but the flow was off, you could tell it was keyed together quickly, it lacked structure / imagery / transition / writers voice / word choice, multi's and internals wouyld of spiced it up a little. but yeah, dont try for keystyles, plan a piece out first and work from that, try to keep the lines roughly 12-16 syllables in length and work on your multi's.

up

I think this is your best piece yet, the style in which it is written is excellent, the flow changes yet remains fluid, there are times when unexpected rhyme schemes pop up and then it reverts back to the simple rhythm.... all in all, one of the best I've read here on Open Mic. Good Job

Thanks for the comment

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Emotional....Just like my peice...
Your flow was al ittle hard to follow, it would probably be better on audio....
Vocab good, could up it a little though. Good topic though, it was a good read and i went through till the end. I can feel your emotions. Keep yo head up, keep things real. Nice peice
overall- 8/10