Forever
 

quick lil poem...let me know what ya'll think

I thought we’d be forever, we’d always be together
I never imagined that you’d have to read this letter
I’m sorry for everything, I thought you were for me
Now I clearly see we weren’t meant for eternity
As I write this letter, tears dropping from my eyes
I loved who you were, but now you’re wearing a disguise
I can’t recognize the eyes, the ones I used to love
The ones I used to swear, came from up above
Everything about you’s changed, and it’s not for the good
If I can help baby just tell me, you know that I would
I would if I could, but you won’t let me so I can’t
Forgive me baby, I don’t mean to rave and rant
I hope you can see these words coming from heart
Believe me babe, when I was with you, I never wanted to part
Now things are over, they different, not the same
But while writing this letter, I was careful not to place the blame
Cause it’s not all your fault, you know I’ve changed as well
I guess that’s just how life goes, maybe earth is truly Hell

structure and rhyme was consitent throughtout the verse...some rhymes were very simple, but they were nice in conveying the simplicity of the verse as a whole, and the understanding of YOUR emotions...
this wasn't really a cry of confusion, it was more of an understanding, which is nice to see...you weren't bitching or complaining about all the shit u did and she did...

Its hard to do a piece like this and not sound corny...in some parts u suceeded in avoidance this, and in others u feel into this trap...for example..

The ones I used to swear, came from up above

that seemed corny to me..

other than that this was a pretty enjoyable read...props to u for understanding ur emotions, rather than being mad at them ;)


cheers

yo, thanks for the feedback...i know parts sound corny and what not....but i swear that is what i felt with this girl....oh well tho....

this was simple
basic rhyme, alright flow
just a hint=poetry doesnt always equal rhyme
you dont want the rhymes in your line to seem forced, that always takes away from the effect poems have
your story was sincere though, nice emotion
try uppin your vocab and word usage, that'll help alot
nice drop
keep elevatin

Hey shit happens am I right? Yo structure and vocab and shit don't need to be put in for something as simple as this. It was a good read and what you felt was felt (if that makes sense). Biggest and betterest things <<my words lol) take time and thats were words and structure count. Keep droppin. Spect JT

Agreeance wit JT. Structure and vocab dont matter. Emotion and meaning were felt. What u feel is what matters. Write from ur heart, and it should just flow. Seems as if there are some signs of sorrow, and hate. You are right and ppl do change, not always for the good. I recieved a letter kind of like this once before. This was full of emotion and ur thoughts were understood. Even if it sounds corny in some parts, as long as ur thoughts are understood, nothing else really matters. Overall great job on it. Keep it up. Most respect.

thanks for the feedback ya'll....keep uppin this