Visiting Hours
 

Clocks Have Stopped, Lack Of Visitors Unvaired
No Children To Watch, Lived Life Unmarried
Life Ticking, Lay By The Window, Hear Bitter Wind Blow
Just Thinking, About All That Will Happen When You Go
The Room Is Bland, No Pictures Of Family To Look Upon
Nothing But His Shaking Hands, And A TV Never Turned On
Body Long Since Gone, No Will Left To Stay Alive
The Only Love Was His Mom, Fourty Years Ago Died
Lonely And Bitter, Always Stayed In Lives Sake
He Thinks Life Is Much Better, But Then His Sleep Wakes
One Big Mistake, All That The Being Of This Man
Never Be Great, But The Consistent Twitching Of His Hand
The Flourescent Light Burns, A Montionless Stranger
Dreaming Of The Love And Yearn, The Gone Life Of Granduer
Three Visitors A Day, Breakfast, Dinner And Lunch
He Liked It That Way, Never Really Talked Much
In Younger Years Was So Glad, Now Its Left In Wreck
A Pimp, A Ladys Man, For Girls Never Had Respect
So None Ever Were Drawn To Him, Never Found A Mate
Just Found Jack Daniels As A Friend, His Only Escape
Lacking Everything He Love, No One Was Intimate
Except For Sex Under The Drugs, Kids Were Illegitimate
Mother And Father Loved So Much, He Retreated Into His Room
Didnt Appreciate Their Touch, Or His Mind That Was In Bloom
Nothing Left To Live, Nothing Was There To Miss
So He Popped In The Thirty Pills, Slid Into The Abiss

I realize i posted 2 open mics in one day, but please keep it open, i shook off my writers block and am wirting all i can..this piece took me 20 minutes, im in computer class learning about 'do loops' :)

that fat dude in ur avy is kind of off putting.....lol

anyway..i think u missed out some words and had some spelling errors cos the flow was stop start in places
the first ten lines or so gave a decent account of who and what the person did and some of his past
some nice imagery in places
and u seemed to get better as you wrote it
quite a well done piece..even though it seemed a bit rushed due to the time scale u wrote it in
vocab etc was good...not much else to say
solid key..few complaints

^

Your shining point was your flow. Now, I'm not saying the rest of the piece came off as weak, but it didn't come out as good as I thought. Nice Drop, some lines came off extremely well, others seemed to get lost, but since you seem to have lost your w.b, I'm looking forward to seeing better drops. Nice job.

^^^

Agree with above..could have come out a little better..your avatar is kinda scary as well..haha Keep it up..aight peace

^

reply to three open mics and post links to your replies in this thread, or it gets deleted.
dude, read the new rules LoL
thanks