Tear Drop (cycle of life)
 

Something i wrote a while ago. Enjoy

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Tear drops pappas life is taken away
Tear stops a baby boy is on his way
Crowd cheers as he graduates
Heart beats on his first date
Music plays his geting married
Music plays mamma is geting burried
Tear drops baby boys life is taken away
Tear stops his baby girl is on the way
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good structure and ryhme scheme. you are right, its one big circle of life and it will repeat until the end of time. keep droppin.

MM

Good piece. Short and to the point. Good analysis of the circle of life, and what u said is correct. Structure and rhyme scheme is good also. Circle keeps repeatin as mopar said. Keep droppin. Much respect.

Thanks for ze comments.. keep em coming

this was simple written, especialy for a topic that isnt so simple, but you told us how you see it, and made so we could understand it. its a unique piece i find. because its so simple theres not much you can change in it, and i would leave it the same. But maybe with the same idea you could try writing a long more detailed piece, see how turns out.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

Keep em coming---

hmm

Short... very short.. but to the point. Structure and rhyme was right on.. very good topic, i loved it. Great piece.

Keeping it short and to the point was my aim. thanks

This had a very grounded feel to it. Grounded yet still kind of 'out there'. Distant.

First thing that came to mind was a kind of 'ghetto' life. Even when he tries to get out, he gets dragged back in. And killed. And so his 'seed', just like he did, get's born into this vicious circle.

I felt you could've elaborated a bit more in parts. Not so much more detailed lines. But more so one or two more lines. MAybe further explaining about the graduation. And/or why he was not able to get out of the ghetto with his education. One or two lines would've done in my opinion.

I liked the piece. It had that 'real' effect cos of the way you wrote it. Yet the insight into the topic (which was quite simple in a way) was subtely resounding.

...resp...

Cha