I Can't Fight It
 

((Responded to Auspicious, ~RaPiDfIrE~, Keys aka Vital))

Uhh.. yeah I wrote this awhile ago to attempt Multis and it was for my friends written.. but he never finished it.. but yeah.. wutchua think? lol

Your words are daggers, with each syllable, my stability staggers,
You open your mouth, and my blood starts pouring out,
Now I've got to choke, I'm feeling the blood backing up inside my throat,
I've got no air left in my chest, this pain i'm feeling i can't digest,
I can't even cry out for assistance, You're killing me without an ounce of my resistence,
I can't fight the white light, I just sit tight, even though its too bright,
I shield my eyes, dont even have tears to cry, knowing its just my time,
I brought this on myself, didnt ask anyone for a bit of help,
It was because of everything you had said, you made me want to be dead,
Maybe if you hadn't hurt me like that, I wouldn't have had this as my path,
Your words led me down this way, couldn't live my life another day,
Your words were a sword, pushin me closer to him, my lord,
I stumbled over the edge, who woulda thought I'd end up dead?

thaats my girl what u all think

Not bad..a little more work on you will be on your way.......

^ u got the basic concept down..I'ma try to help u a little since I know ur not a rapper..shit maybe u can help me with poetry in return lol....neway I don't wanan give u a bunch of shit in this post I'll just hit u up on AIM

peace

...thanks. You're trying to help me right now and its NOT working. This is why I do poetry..

^ make me feel like a bad teacher lol....trust me you improved a LOT in like the hour that I spent trying to help u out....atleast in my eyes u did...iono if you noticed it or not...anyway I'ma keep working with you as long as you let me....

peace

I def liked this piece, good work.

not bad... not bad at all

^Thanks... now someone else wanna tell me how to improve? :p

i don't really need to improve that much, but there is always room. i am not a teaching kinda guy. you would smoke me anyday

Hmm.. Yes, Their Could Be Sum Defninite Improvement.
I Dont Know Much About Poetry But I Am Pretty Sure That
Unless You Are Free Versing It Then One Line Has To Rhyme
With Another. You Just Went For Internals And Thats It
Dont Get Me Wrong, Internals Are ill, But If Their Done
Right..

This Style I Blown It.. Looks Kinda Dumb Now Dont It?
I Eat Cheese Fries.. And Beat Midgets Up Knee High..
^ Not What You Want To Be Doing

This Style Is Great.. Wait.. I Dont Come Crooked i Come Straight..
Its Fate.. Feel Better Cuz Auspicious Taught You Suttin New Today..
^ That Is What You Want To Be Doing

Just A Lil Advice.. Other Than Not .. Not Bad

Take Sum Time To Hit The Ones
U Didn't Hit Up Before
ClaustrophobicS Present: The Boat Deck
ClaustrophobicS Present: The Boat Deck (Alternate Ending)
ClaustrophobicS Present: Less Fortunate
Mind Is Not Brain
Main Down The Stream
Hanging On

thanks yo...*

not bad, if you work on the flow a little more

yo9 that was a nyce Peice aiight gurl u gotta work on ya flow a lil aiight Peace (v)

hmm my poems flow but i cant get anything else to flow. *Shrugs* good look fam.