maybe..
 

..you should read this..

:old age:

his health declined, it was never right but plotted westward -
and the heart exerted was strangled through clotted vessels
fate he spotted wrestles, to overcome w/ souls compassion
even creases deep within.. they could never hold his passion
a stolen fashion, those years in declining health hatred lessened
scripture passages could never tell.. of his faith's profession
like a marching band, moving forward, but forced to walk the plank
& start to thank, but knees weary with rheumatism, he broke his rank
forgot who he was, mind deteorating, to find and hear irately
the old man had to leave - forgot god was steering lately.

well, is there gonna be any feedback?

:)


*checking time*

good drop. Got a little confused in some parts. That may be lack of sleep, but the parts I got were good. Rhyme scheme and structure were good. Structure in my opinion could be a lil better. I feel the confusion was because of me not quite getting the view of it being told. Sorry I didnt get it that much. But in the parts I did, I thought it was good. I'm like dat, gotta get the view to understand the meaning fully. I'll try readin it again when I get a lil more than 5 min of sleep. Overall good job, and keep it up. Much respect.

kinda short but it had a good flow. you painted your picture well.


forgot who he was, mind deteorating, to find and hear irately
the old man had to leave - forgot god was steering lately

i felt these lines, niggas dont know that God ias always driving. keep spittin.........

Iight, i got it. Just took some sleep and another reading. Like i said before good job. Keep it up. Much respect.