my mind
 

i wrote this about a year ago it is very short but you can still tell what mood i was in

screaming at the window
watch me die aother day
hopeless situation..
endless price i have to pay
death become clear now
as i see it through bloodshot eyes
stuck inside my own world of insanity
where other people rule My Mind


tell me what u think

i think this could use some work but i am not sure what so any advice would help

Yes, it is very short. However, it is good. The structure was nice and u had a lot of imagery. It seems to me that you have a lot of sadness in this. Overall good job. I liked it. Keep it comin. Much respect.

short wasnt the word i's lookin for, its the beginnin of what could be a potential masterpiece just have to give it some more juice. you have good emotion usage, and the sturcure fits with the flow, its just shorter then id expect. your gettin there, the way to get peeps to check your upps, check theres first, critique, and they'll gladly reply. keep uppin this is good readin.

I agree... it looks like the BEGINNING of a poem. You could probably elevate this and make it spectacular. The scheme to it was nice, the words so far were nice, the emotion was nice. Jus add more to it.. :)