YO Daddy Is Here
 

I started this a while a go, but never ended up finishing it. I might add 2 more verses. Jyeh....




As i start wispering in your ear
All you could think about is when i will take of your gear
Youv been waiting for this all year
No need to yearn anymore babygirl cause yo daddy is here
i slowly feel your neck with the back of my hand as i start kissing it
While my other hand is in contact with your thighs
I feel your sexual need is on the rise
Now my tongue touches your lips
Making you feel so good that you cannot bear
I keep kissing you till your there
Everytime you look deep into my eyes a feeling of excitement Penetrates all the way inside you
My soft lips caress each inch of your throat to breast to hip
I move lower and start fondling your satin tummy
I move back and watch pleasuer take over your body

i think you should take this and add more on like you were thinking, its a good start, and you could make it into a very good piece. but even if you were to leave it here, without adding more, it still would have a nice ending. you intro to this was pretty good, your rhyme structure i think at the first was a bit to much, but it got better the farther throu. you showed thoughts and emotins pretty well, but i feel they could be stronger, try adding more emotion and thoughts to the next but you add.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

Jyeh if i do continue it: )

interesting. to say the least

rhyme scheme was extremely basic, u may want to try and devlope it so it doen't look so "simplistic" and rushed...poetry doesn't have to rhyme, it may be easier for you to just write without any rhyme scheme, then u don't need to worry about that aspect, and just write what u feel. when u can write from the heart, etc, THEN try to incorporate a rhyme scheme...but if u sacrifice content for rhyming, then ur headed in the wrong direction..
NOW, im not saying ur content was bad..it's different but you DID express what u wanted to express, for the most part.

keep truckin'

cheers

This was good. I can imagine what it would be like if u did finish it. It would make a really good piece. Idk bout the others, but I'd like to see u finish it. Scheme was good, along with structure. Overall I liked it. Good imagery too. Got wut u wanted across. Keep it comin. Much respect.

Meh... personally I don't think incest is the best subject to be discussing and expressing unless you're trying to prove a serious point. I really didn't see the serious point to this, sorry.

Anyway, not all peices of poetry can become golden. This is just one of those offbeat peices that every writes every now and then. You'll probably end up forgetting about this. But, don't be suprised if you write another peice very similiar. The trick is to be able to let go of a peice no matter how much you like it, so later you can write one along the same lines that ends up being so much better.

That's all I can think to say.

~Shalom~