life, future, death, past
 

the order, i ask myself why?

what is it that causes life to be around,
different personallities, levels of thought,
is confidence, some one who dosent conform,
to the patterns placed in front of us, by other people

i've heard the future is going to be bright like the sun,
but, totalitarionists,* want all of us to be as one,
no freedom, no poetry, all art forms shall perish,
expression will become a forgotten word,

is something which is feared, but those near it dont,
something loved by a enemy, loathed by an ally,
also it can be a friend or hated by ones-self,
till the grave smiles on face, near cease to appear,

past is dwelled on too much, never used to good,
people look forward to future, always back to past,
no ones is ever born in the past, forgotten babies,
the end

This one was a little weird, but I understood it. Kind of had to keep lookin at the title during each first line to figure out which one you were talking about. Maybe that was just me. Everything was good otherwise. Overall, good job. Keep em comin. Most respect.

I really liked it. I read it a few times, just to understand the key points being made, the format was good, but there was only a line I might point out. "i've heard the future is going to be bright like the sun,
but, totalitarionists,* want all of us to be as one,"
when your writing your phrases all of the other lines don't rhyme, just this one. and it kinda made the piece unbalenced, other than that I really liked it....keep on writin' good ideas man

rhanks for the feedback, uppin for a lil more

c'mon peeps uppin for more feedback

expression will become a forgotten word,
I just thouht this line was lovely.

The piece was good. The approach you took in order makes much sense, in that sense it's a very well done piece in terms of structure. I think you needed more than comma's in there though. Question marks where necessary would bring out the narrative more.
I think you were looking for totalitarians rather than the 'ists', but no worries there.

I do think that main concepts were good and what you were saying was pretty good but it lacked a necessary elaboration. Thats the problem though.. I know how dificult this sort of thing can be. So don't think I'm downing it, I'm just suggesting from my point of view.
Past was okay but I think something was missing in that last section.
However you attack serious questions here and that should be commended.
.peace.

nice poem, bit complicated but i'm guessing that was the point? to get people figuring out the order? good flow and ill vocab, sorry i slept on this, keep ya head up and keep droppin.

good job i was a lil confused at points, but i thought u used good vocab and the flow was felt keep up da nice work

"what is it that causes life to be around,
different personallities, levels of thought,
is confidence, some one who dosent conform,
to the patterns placed in front of us, by other people"
complete self expression here, gotta give ya props for the respecting of ones indiviuality. you lose that....you got nothing left. good read-keep droppin-
-B

after readin this i was alittle confused but overall it was a good drop......

I got confused in places but I realised that you were speakin from your point of view and these were your feelins. That was the best part bout this. Vocab was good to and you brought up some good issues.
Good drop

uppin for a lil more feedback, drop ur poetry links and i will return the feedback

yeah this piece was confusing.. to me it was hard to follow the way you had it down. the structure was a little odd, but overall the piece was aiight. tiight drop.. dont pm me lol :p i'll get around to it.. trust me.

i agree, the structure was a little odd
and you didnt write in death, for the 3rd part, i dont know if that was on purpose or not, but it was confusing,
you dont want the reader to be lost or have to read back to see what you're talking about... it makes the piece all the more less interesting
i think these reasons made the point unclear to me
it seems as if there were some random words just thrown in, with and out of the ordinary piece or strange structured piece, you should make the points clearer
ok drop anyways


keep elevatin