9. Deacon (2-0) vs. 10. Emotion (2-0)
 

Check-In's Due: Wednesday
Verses Due: Friday
Votes Due: Sunday

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Your topic: Memory Lane

lol
i am versin u deacon, i'ma lose but topic is good...................lol


checkin in

voted in
*http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=92341

replied to this so far

nah....dont say you're going to lose...you have as much chance winning ...goodluck..

-1-

Memory Lane

France, during second world war a small brigade of aussie soldiers are on
the march, tired hungry and wounded this is one soliders story,

A major body bag shortage so we left the others
in a mass heap, we road on past destructed homes
and dead sheep,We were so hungry, eating them
crossed our minds of real meat,My feet were sore
and infected the whole brigade was emotionally
affected,loading battered magazines while limping
slowly,some bleeding badly, crying dragging there
feet,walked past a body and stubling over the head,
started retching again even though i was use to seeing
dead,a friend can be taken a way in an instance by
a small peice of lead,gave the crust to the few
prisoners who were bordering dead,my bayonet was
bloody, my uniform stunk and was muddy, We havent
lain for ages, blood stain's my bibles pages,My best
friend left earth recently holiest god is meeting-the,
walked past wrecked homes, heard the dyings soft
moans,Cant sleep at night, everything reminds me
of the fight,no courage no might, left in my body,
just the enemies dead faces in my mind,dead soldiers
and friends that i had to leave behind Arrive at small
town shelter in a lane, cant stop thinking of the slain,
wake at dawn realise i am just another politacal pawn,
load gun burst outta wall, i am prepared for my down fall,
surrounding soldiers drop,Stab one bastard before i
fall dead *shot

Many years later a comrade of this soldier back in the same lane remembers
a small part of his story telling it to a whole group of veterens

Thats where johnny was shot, treating my wounds,
gas in my eye i couldnt see, I didnt seem to notice
everthing just seemed to go out of focus, woke up
with johnnys dead body slumped on me, they musta
thought i was dead, see this scar on my head?

(tells fulls story goes for a while all the veterens fall into silence)

(in full aussie accent another vet towards the back comments:)

Yeah this place kinda feels like nightmarish memory lane doesnt it? Come on lets go get a coupla beers this place is giving me the creeps

They all turn around and start walking away except for one, the one telling the story before, a tear trickles down his face, he slowly turns and walks away

when reading this below on a website..i decided it would be nice to write something in first person of that dredfull day....

"Sachi and her sister, Riko hurry off to school. The girls are living in Hiroshima and the date is August 6, 1945. When Sachi looked up and saw the American bomber, she had no idea that her whole world was changing forever. "There is a blinding light like the sun. There is a boom like a giant drum. There is a terrible wind." And many in Hiroshima are gone forever."



gray skies burned blue with intensity..
fingure tips of flame touch the grounds while i was witnessing..
sounds of peoples screams like background music..
moved out of range of my ears..
A sudden flash and the past was perfect,
the glass from the widow pan was now hurting..
the surface of the floor turned pompeii gray
and my palms started shaking as the bombs gave way..
this place was now a tomb for the living
a breathing body bag with a few left existing.
Its been minutes and my skin has sense switched.
from flesh and to the putty of death i sit synged..
Rip'd and shredded life with my last breath,
my chest was palpitating and my heart rate was half steps.
I sat bent at the waist from the pain....
from seein souls evacuated and leaving charcoal remains..
flames were now a part of the landscape..
their venomous tongues flicker quicker than black snakes.
the grass flakes the ash in a mass grave
that came into being from the blast of the last plane...
The line between night and day was now blurred
it seemed like the sky was black for hours.......
The towers were clouds with bricks as rain drops
that came toppling down to ground as pain throbbed.
Aimed up my head focused on a bomber with the wings of a bird and the teeth of a piranah..
and it was ready to swallow us all..
the flames were so bright our shadows burned to the walls
My throat sculls while breathing..
i was bleeding where i used to sweat my chest teathing..
Regrets fleeting i was seeing to the bone no hearts were beating then i knew i was alone .



-1-

Emotion...
this was a hard read...your rhyming was not where i expected so i had to change the pace to try and accomdate your verse...the imagry was nice and the approach was good...i felt it could have used a litte more vocab here and there

deacon...
wow....i was impressed with the level of imagry you had here...doing it first person was a good idea for this...only flaw was this part

Aimed up my head focused on a bomber with the wings of a bird and the teeth of a piranah..

It really, really threw me off...

Vote - Deacon

^some bombers have teeth at the front painted, thanks for voting, I htink that is what deacon meant about the teeth

peace

^^no i got it....it just really didnt fit into the flow/pace of the verse

deacon your view, wordplay and story was right for the topic dope spit. i hope you recovered from the ordeal!!!!!lol

emot i felt your story, ok flow but story lapsed when that guy wanted to go get a beer. good twists but a hard read.
if it wernt for the flow you would have got my vote- sick story

vote deacon

sick from both ---- tight choice

nice verse Emotion....yeah i liked that line of mine but whatever...

-1-

thanks for votes....yeah i am changin my style bac to the way it was................

Emotion...After reading some of your other stuff, this piece sort of disappointed me. The imagery, the flow and everything was there, with the exception of a rhyme scheme, that really hurt your piece badly.

Deacon...Your piece was very very good. Tells a vivid tale of the Atomic bombing and it really really mesmerized me. That was a good drop.

Vote-Deacon

Deacon deffinately got this...

Emotion..i'd get lost in ur rhyme scheme...really...
work on a better structure...the story wasn't all that good...
imagry was iffy... n all that...

Deacon...this was quite nice...started off decent...
n seemed to keep on improving as it went..
had some killer flow to it...great imagry

vote-deacon

emotion. i like your story. you dropped pretty nice. but your rhyming sucked ass like a lolipop. if you had dope flow and rhyming, you would have killed this shit

deacon- nice drop. enough to beat emotion, but room for improvement, if your story had developed more smoothly...i dont wana read 10 lines about the sky before i hear about something else

but both got good skill. vote- deacon

vote-deacon..

emotion...flow was immaculate but i wasnt feelin the way you did the topic...i obviously liked it i jus felt ya cudda been more effective n complex

deacon...topic was well held..not amazin but still ill..flow was once again easy for you...n ya entered the topic blazin n left it blazin at the end

props to both pz