forgotten (plz read)
 

(this is a little something i wrote a while back, i havent been on in a while so i can't really keep ya'll updated, i dont know how i feel about this piece definetly not up there with the #1's but, idk, let me know what yall think)

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All eyes on me with no vision in sight
Preoccupation -> the past time
Life -> the fight

All eyes on me with no image in view
Understanding paints the picture
But comprehension remains few

~Writing’s the window to the heart and key to the soul
Recordings of the past, present, memories, secrets sold and untold
~I stand in the rain with my pad and pen
Scribbling my thoughts on the pain that cease to end
~Drenched in irony~
~The ink glides off the paper
and onto the ground, erasing my means and my stature
~Staining the streets and some flowing in the gutter
The burden of mother of the block grows stronger
Tears get heavy, more intense they pour and sputter
~I glance down at my words, my life
Loose the only refuge for my anger, my strife
~The sun creeps upon the horizon
The rain dries and on the streets new pain rot’s in
No escape
I drop my pad and walk away
With a new knowledge of being
Forgotten

All eyes on me with no vision in sight
Preoccupation -> the past time
Life -> the fight

All eyes on me with no image in view
Understanding paints the picture
But comprehension remains few

nice.

u could've done away with the little ~ before every other line, i ddin't see a purpose in that...the reader should be able to recognize that u are making a new sentence, or a new thought..

content was very nice, and u maintained a good flow. i enjoyed ur diction - "drenched" "glides"...it was very nice...it all went very well with the fact that it was raining, i liked that.

interesting concenpt as well...made me think tho, very creative...

i felt like the rain was a metaphor for desair..it slowly tears u apart, and becomes ur complete focus...everything else becomes meaningless, and u concentrate so hard on the depair that it almost becomes a part of u...then hope comes through ur clouds of despair and u are left again with another chance to "fight" through life, knowing the despair could be waiting anywhere..the grounds are stained with pain...perhaps this is a whole metaphor for life...u are alive with emotions, u live and express them, tehn u die and forget them, leaving behind an essence, but being forgotten for the most part...or perhaps im just rambling on and im really stoned...i dunno.........

kind of depressing, and pessimistic in the way that i read it...cus usually sunlight refers to happiness and good times to come...but in ur poem sunlight brings u into the forgotten...interesting...

nice little piece...hope i wans't too far off on my interpretation...this is just how i read it...most likely not how it was intended...
laters

nice i liked it

A very good piece which deserves to be read. I liked this alot, very fullfilling. I did not feel as if there should be more to this, as so many pieces leave you feeling. I like the flow and the structure, nothing to complicated but on point. Nicely done Ma, much props.

I seen the rain as the calamity, pain and anxieties brought on by life. I felt as if you were standing there in the misdts of all these armed with only your pen and pad. As if you were writting to help heal understand and or deal with those everyday tribulations. With such irony, the same rains, washed away your written words, your life's work with just one downfall. It's funny how life can derail us like that, wash away our treasured works. to write about your pain is just to relive it at times, or such, but to put the pad down and leave things forgotten seems to be less painfull. Ironic twist for the soul of a poet. Your damned if you and damn if you don't type of scenerio. Well, that's what impression your words left on me. Thanks for making me think.

Respect
~Bounce~

thanks all of ya'll, even holster with the 4 word response
i'm gla that this IS getting read
about the ~ before the lines i did that both out of boredom and to try and make it easier to read since i was going to post it, and most people dont know how to read certain poems right, i dont like to post things and then someone not get the flow, you know?
but anyways
i liked both of your interpertations,
but bounce was more near the point
none the less they were both enjoyable
thanks again
upping

come on don't sleep people

yea i liked this the flow and the structure was pretty good there were a couple of line in there which made me stop and think. over i think this a nice drop

thanks hun
uppin

WHOA!

Nice piece here i really liked it. All around good i dont see much wrong with it except those ~ in every sentance, got kinda annoying but no big deal. Overall i thought it had good vocab and nice wordplay. For some reason the begginging to me sounded liek 2pac, but then again im listening to Pac right now so..thats maybe the reason..

Overall Grade:

9/10