Soldiers Cry
 

i have a friend whose in service in iraq, we were talking via e-mail and these are the things that i could just feel after reading his message.....

tranquility, serenity, peace of mind
doesnt come, in this hell of mine
hope for the lost and missin
prayers float, and im caught wishin
seein you agian, but till that day comes
ill have to fight my way, back to you with my gun
nothing compares to the horros ive seen
nothing can turn me back, make me agian serene
all im longin is one simple day
to look outside and see children play
instead, what i see when i look out the window
a wife, that was a mother, now becomes a widow
one days a victory, but these lives lost are the war
people wanna be free not police'd no more
Lord help me im prayin every day
cause i dont know how much more i can take
bring me home and leave this all behind
no more pain and sufferin seen w/these eyes of mine

the quote above is a fav. of my friend he asked me to include it

hey guys how bout upp for some feed back, my friend was wantin to know how it went i told him i posted last night

I like it alot...

you can feel the emotion it comes right through

instead, what i see when i look out the window
a wife, that was a mother, now becomes a widow
one days a victory, but these lives lost are the war
people wanna be free not police'd no more


^very nice line

great peice

I'd say that you portrayed emotions well. As far as the peice as a whole the technical errors took away from it. Uneven bars, mispelled words, gramatical errors, and the uneven flow of proper and improper were misplaced. Not hatin, jus statin.

P.S: It's "shake it, shake it, ah ahh, shake it like a polaroid picture" Jus so you knew incase you wanted to fix it. But hey you mighta meant it like that.... peace

thanx for the profile fix, yeah the reason for the grammar errors would be my slow butt computer at the house, its wont put up words you type till like 5 mins later, so i really couldnt see it an jus to lazy to go back and correct , thanx for the constructive crit, i dotn hink your hatin, id rather you tll it like it is than candy coat it. thanx

yo uppin for some more reps

Well Calisto summed it up, not much more to add from a technical aspect. I can how ever touch on the subject matter. It needs to be voiced, the bottled up emotions of our warriors overseas is what I mean. I have been there and so many other hotspots in this crisis stricken day and age. It always helps me to wrtite down my feelings and vent, but so many do not have that luxory or gift. It's nice what your doing for your friend, he's over there busting his ass for others to live a fraction of the life we have here in the USA. He's doing the right thing, even though it can seem pointless at times, but when you look at the overall good, he's right inline with it. I would like to thank your friend for his brave service and commitment to the cause, it's a just and needed one. Like I have stated before, I have been there, although I am not enlisted, I serve this country and the free world on a daliy basis. God bless those fighting tyranny and upholding the pursuit of freedom.

~Bounce~