Corrupted Visions: Freedom
 

again another new approach at my rhyme scheme so plz read through it. I know it's kinda long but it don't take to long. leave some honest feedback of what u think. peace.

Hook:
the one and only thing everyone in this world has in common/
is the fight for freedom, for freedom, a vision that none can see/
cuz were blinded by guns, guts, and blood, stuck in an endless breeze/
live to be free, we all have our dreams, even u, includin me, dreams to be free/

Verse #1:
juss look around sometime, at your surrounding grounds/
and u’ll soon come to realize, the world of death with all the bounds/
realize the world with only ur sound, these rhymes carry out/
and u’ll soon see a world of free, with unclouded shrouds/
unclouded frowns, cuz u know why all these ppl look down/
when u live a life, with beats from your hip hop street/
u always see beef, and dead turnin up 6 feet deep/
but u’ll always ignore, till it comes knockin at yo door/
then it’s ya lil brother layin there on tha floor/
and revenge is the only door that u wanna explore/
give into the herdless hoard, and destroy the core/
of ya heart, but yo b4 ya do it, ask yaself?
Are ya fightin for freedom? Or for someone else/

Hook:
the one and only thing everyone in this world has in common/
is the fight for freedom, for freedom, a vision that none can see/
cuz were blinded by guns, guts, and blood, stuck in an endless breeze/
live to be free, we all have our dreams, even u, includin me, dreams to be free/

Verse #2:
so here u are, u got ur culprits in reach of ya arm/
24, plus one, u pump 9, straight from ya gun/
and lace all them basterds across the chest, ending their wait for death/
and u quest to catch ur breath, rest and think about what’s next/
but u gave it up, ur freedom and soon u’ll be runnin out of luck/
juss givin up? No instead u run, begin your fight for freedom son/
just lackin jump, stop for a minute and u’ll get spun for a chump/
cashed up and ya stuck, till the cops catch up, and lock u up/
so now where do u go, they got yo ass on death row/
ur freedoms broke, cash in ya chips cuz u’ll neva see home/
let alone the daylight which u wish to evoke, provoke/
yaself to demote, to a remote place where it’s in ya throat, u choke/
and end ya life on ya own, that’s freedom, when u make it alone/

Hook:
the one and only thing everyone in this world has in common/
is the fight for freedom, for freedom, a vision that none can see/
cuz were blinded by guns, guts, and blood, stuck in an endless breeze/
live to be free, we all have our dreams, even u, includin me, dreams to be free/

Verse #3:
and I do have my own dreams, to be free/
from this world of hate, greed, and disbelief/
the government which has bloodied and cleaved/
so many ppl at the knees, to strike fear in their enemies/
HELL! I juss wanna be free, from all this corruption/
and live a life, to do what I want with my time/
fuck guns, fuck knives, fuck crime, and fuck 187 and triple 6 signs/
just let me go up stage, grab a mic, and show all these ppl what it’s like/
to live in a life, free from fights, free from darkness, here I stand in light tonight/
cuz I’m free, free is what I’ll always be, just call me a bird as I fly gracefully/
cuz freedom can’t be givin, it’s gotta be gained, gained in any way/
in any way to shine through a world of disgrace, cuz that’s what freedom is/
a vision, an incision, an implantation in ya brain, gaining all my freedom and fame/
through this rap game, and it’s the way it’ll always fuckin stay, freedom is tamed/
and it’s kinda strangely deranged, on how true freedom can’t be explained/

damn forgot this shit again but here's who I replied to.

explict
ace of spades
word perfect

This was pretty good i thought gene....your structure improved i thought though, you had pretty good structure in this but watch the line length of some of the lines they were getting kinda long there...you vocab was good like usual lol...your chorus was pretty good in this, maybe touched up a bit...but overall this was a good piece..keep at it.

^word...its the longest thing i've read so far...it was nice though, i enjoyed
the rhyming inbetween the bars and on the outsides...nice multies...nice
vocab here in there...also a good subject to write on...most people can
relate seeing as how most of us live in America...the so called land of freedom
tight verse man...compelling...keep it up...

peACE

I myself personally don't live in the states and nor do I live in a city with much voilence or anything like that but u know I write on my own opinions to things and certain topics and I like to write on human condition to it juss seems to come alot easier to me. but anyways thanx for the feedback guys it's muchly appreciated so keep it comin. thanx in advance. peace.

alright come on ppl don't sleep on this. all my shit always gets slept on so plz leave some feedback. muchly appreciated. thanx in advance. peace.

uppin come on ppl don't sleep on this leave me some feedback and leave me a link to an open mic and I'll make sure to hit it up for ya. peace

It's not a bad piece. You could use a bit more complexity to your wording. However, I liked it. I thought it was an interesting read. There was something else I was thinkin...but I don't remember...and I'm DEFINITELY not reading that big long verse twice....oh yeah. Repitition. Try to cut down on it. Feel me? Using the same word more then once....shortly after you just used it....kinda detracts from the verse. Not a bad piece though.

i feeling the way u flowin on dis piece and i'll be back to read more fo sho but on the return tip

read mine lil freestyle by lyricallycrazy03

yo peeps thanx for the feedback and yo let's keep it comin ppl. if your gonna view this then feedback plz and hit me up with a link or the name to one of your open mics and I'll return the favor but keep ythe feedback comin cuz this is gettin slept on, muchly appreciated, thanx in advance. peace.

that was One Of the Good Open Mics....the Flow was Constant ...the chorus was One of the Greats In The Open Mic ...... Not Much TO Complain about except the Long read Every Mic I Go to Read Is Long But I Did't really Mind I got all Day Because of the rain....All And Alll A Nice Drop Keep It Flowin Kuz Peace (v)



-{/]~{Ú§kÍ}~[\}-

yea this was pretty good yo keep up the good work... dont ever give up

it was aight...I see the verses had different feels, different aspects but I couldn't catch the message in either three. It was aight, but too much overusage of vocabulary.

good topic and the hook isn't too bad

if u have a beat to it it might be pretty tight

it is long as hell too.................................

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