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-   -   untitled (http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=97195)

TRIBAL 12-08-03 12:06 AM

untitled
 
These same four walls i see
Trapped within but noone sees
Im tired of hate runnin into me
You want my love it is not free

I stand alone in the dark i fear
I feel as if the demin is so damn near
Through the eyes of darkness i brake and stear
but in to the glowing night i see and nuthing i hear

A dream of death more then a nightmare
i kill the pain of drugs by takin it in
this bug infests me takes my life
As its controls me does wat it likes

TRIBAL 12-08-03 12:09 AM

this was pretty much one of my first poems i did

i jus wanted to get some feed back on how i could elevate more

if you could plz point out some weekness and helop me out

thanx peace

-->FreeBasE<-- 12-08-03 02:38 PM

well the rhyme scheme was basic but it didn't have to rhyme

i think u shoulda expressed more of what u were feeling than

trynin to rhyme. thats the way it seemed to me.

use better vocab maybe. good flow and structure though.

keep postin up man............................................... ..

TRIBAL 12-09-03 12:53 AM

thanx your honest feedback much appreciated

uuppiinn for some more


peace

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Gunna XL 12-14-03 01:46 PM

you should have made it not rhyme so you could do more then syllable rhyming

varentao 12-14-03 04:59 PM

Quite simplistic. Both in structure and overall wording. Though still bringing a personal depth. Of emotions and meaning.

If one was to build upon this. I think they'd have to elaborate on certain things further. Explore and ask the question 'why' whilst writing a bit more. And try not to think of rhyming too much. Which i can see you at times tried not to do.

...resp...

HotRod 12-16-03 12:40 PM

it was straight but it rhymed alot

bellapoetsade' 12-16-03 04:38 PM

I agree, Ithink you should have expressed more how you feel, and the structure was perhaps too simple. It still had great meaning though.


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