innocent bystander ft. darkside
 

replied to:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=97289
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=97261
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=96232

prophix:

I frantically dashed it coulda been worse
An old lady got heated about missing her purse
I coulda swore I was free there is always a witness
Cop patrolling the streets, I'm on his #1 hit list
Made haste into an ally I have no time to waste
Adrenaline kicks in, searching for a hiding place
This wasn't worth it I don't mean to disappoint my seed
I did it for the many mouths to feed, I blame it all on greed
With my goal in mind I down the ally I precede, take a left at store thats it
The plan of action seemed simple until the side of my jacket was hit
The policeman started a war and I'm clearly not one to lose
I pull my gun, shots fired, rocks shatter from walls where bullets had fused
Nearing the end I spot two pedestrians with two lives to lend
The man a brave one at that protects the girl, with life he defends
Stray bullets broke windows and found their way to the mans back
Scream cried out, this creates a nice diversion as a matter of fact
I dove into a tax never looked back, a thief, a murderer I'm an enraged beast
I gander into my prize at the luscious feast, arrogance kicks in and guilt the least

dark:

Alot's on my mind as I walk home with the groceries
preparing an excellent dinner, and after dessert I'm proposing
supposing, that I've been waiting for too long, can't lose her affection
but suddenly, a commotion in the alley catches my attention
deep in the trenches, one opens fire, now I'm caught in ground zero
Back to the wall I cringe in fear, I'm no profound hero
now those sounds grow near yo, deafening blasts are all I hear.... till-
I realize that I'm not the only pedestrian caught on the street still
a young girl and her dog by a car, huddle in a piss puddle
inner turmoil begins, thoughts muddled, gettin disgruntled
thought bubble - a prayer for the child, cop, the thief and myself
ran to shelter the girl, now I'll never be able to describe the heat that I felt
deep in the pelt, hot lead wedged in my vital organ tissue
I look sadly to the girl, crumple and whisper "I'm really glad that it missed you"
"I'm gunna miss you" I think as a tear parts the crimson streaks on my cheeks
A cough and blood flow jumbles up the meaning of my weakening speach
leaking, we bleed, expecting to see a flashback of a life
but I all I could think of as I died, was contacting my wife.......

this was average i think, both had simple rhyming schemes going, it knocks the flow in a verse...work on your multis especially prophix....but you both stuck to the topic. and got it across.so..jus keep at it....pZ

Yeah i agree this wasnt to bad here....both of you came pretty nice...structure was ok, lines were kinda stretched out though, try keeping them the same length....flow was ok, but needs some work i thought....both of you need to work on multies but keep elevating...and keep at it.

thx for the feed back

^

nice shit dawg