Im new here....see what you think...
 

Hey ya'll, im new to this whole thing but here is something I made up in college the other day. I'm not too sure what to do with the 'reply to 3 open mic threads' thing, can sumbody give us a little help on that...but here we go...

As I walk down the street I get the erge to break free
Lose my mind in public just for people to see
Inside outside what's it'a mean to me
Cant you see im a freak, give me the door to this key
What you get is what you dont and you cant coz you wont
But in the end it all comes down to that someone in front
From three to eighty, to one hundred and nine till you lose count
You see...you never listend to me and now look at the state your in
Dont say I never tried, girl you used to be slim
Deep down in the fats of this world you live by yourself
But on the inner side you fear that you'll lose all your wealth
Who looks down in growth, slouch around and eat toast
I'm sorry and all but that's me for tonights host.

From the depths of this world people move in and out
Time runs short for most but theres no need to shout
For about twenty years I have sat back and cried
Due to child buse, drugs and god knows what else
But thats not the point coz in me you see life and it's way
And come the end of the day that politics should have no delay
Lack of punishment must come to a certain pay so people can believe
That half this world lives its most but the coast of the host
Must co-inloax to become what it crosts in the departure of one's soul, to become...

Give your honest opinion as I am only just getting started. Thanx people!

:thefinger

You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of people you left feedback to or this will get deleted...Just Reply To Other Open Mics With Feedback and Post Their Names In here or links.

But this was alright....structure could use a little work though, try keeping lines around the same length....also try adding some multies to this to help the flow out and to make it better...but overall this was alright...keep at it.

it was good for your first piece work on your vocab flow and wordplay structure was ok over all 6/10

reply to three open mics and post links to your replies in this thread, or it gets deleted.
thanks

for your first peace i was really diggen what you got going but if your experienced and this is what you came with then you only came aight i feel your not a rookie but need some elivaten working on vocab and complexity a little bit

that was some nice shit for your first open. besides the way its put together its some smooth shit . stay on your thing , but just follow the rules because they will jump down ur throat on that shit.

YO,
I was diggin this shit... mad ill, and you put shit in perspective,
I like what I see here...
the first verse is what did it for me... you got Mad potential...
are you gon' be comin on here often... if so, you should it up my
crew- The OMENS... I'll give you the link... just state in the tryouts
that you want in, and its done.

will you give feed to my open mic:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=90958
OMENS link: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/for...?s=&forumid=167

Peace,
~AshY~

yo
 

this waz aaaiht 4 yo 1st piece, can tell u need 2elevate.
but i c potential here bro, keep shit up.

all you need to do is write three peeps at tha begining of yo skit who you left reply's to, or they will delete it,

Nice for first drop,your not a newcomer but not a seasoned vet i feel,Good vocab,flowed and afew bits and peices of Wodplay,jus keep dropin'm.

Peace

for your first piece that was good.it gave a good picture and your flow was decent.add some multies and just keep taht shit up.