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When the Heart Stops

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=98583
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99475
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99017

When the Heart Stops

When the heart stops, Ceases pumping blood
My flow is irradic, Resembling a hurricane flood
The engine consuming fuel, Burning off fumes
But once it stops injecting, My life does too
Inside it's blue, But when exposed it's red
My bloods carries cells, Along wit viciousness
Composed of life, Creates my own soul
Without my heart my body wouldn't be whole
But a big hole would show, Quite openly
Without my own, How can i go on sufficiantly
Critically, Dripping from my chest animically
And don't donate, For i don't take other's property
I never snatch, Or take what belongs to you
I'd grant my own heart...Quicker than John Q.
And that's how it is, And that's how it's done
When surgical procedures come, They'll find the coldest 1
A heart that overcomes innocent minds
And overruns your belifes and leaves the rest behind
Over your heard, My pump of life is too complex
1 second laughing, The next demanding threats
Occasionally paranoid, So Sometimes i wear vests
But not often, Cuz my heart also fiends for flesh
Go after Innocence, Hiding deep in the corner
Yellin' & bitchin', Or the rain seems to fall harder
Like a split personality............... it's looking....
Looking for it's true self...but it remains looking
Crooked, Twisted, And an unheard of bloodtype
"Sir, There seems to be no reason why your alive"

Excellent drop my man. Youve more than exceded my previous expectations. Your flow was on point, leaving little room for error.
I was particularly impressed with your prowess right here:

I never snatch, Or take what belongs to you
I'd grant my own heart...Quicker than John Q.

Exceptonal metaphor that seemed to help the sew the storys seems together.

can i get some feedback please...
just leave me a link n i'll try gettin at yo open mics

ea this was good...ya structure seemd Alright Man and ya flow hi hard and stayed on point which was Good stuff...ya vocab and Wordplay made a Picture In My Head so this shit was Nice man Hope i will see more of ya stuff....all and all this was Nice Man....P.€.a.c.€....

Re: When the Heart Stops

Quote:

Originally posted by Thrust
When the Heart Stops

When the heart stops, Ceases pumping blood
My flow is irradic, Resembling a hurricane flood

nice use of imagry

The engine consuming fuel, Burning off fumes
But once it stops injecting, My life does too

The 2nd line, i felt, doesnt fit in too well..and the rhyme has to be forced in a way...at least with the accent i speak with

Inside it's blue, But when exposed it's red
My bloods carries cells, Along wit viciousness

again the rhyme seems really forced... i pronounc red like "dead ...while viciousness ending like "dress"

Composed of life, Creates my own soul
Without my heart my body wouldn't be whole

You needed a comma after "heart"

But a big hole would show, Quite openly
Without my own, How can i go on sufficiantly

:( bad rhyme again...and your word choise is staying to simple.. synonmes (as well as correct spelling...my bad) is the key!

Critically, Dripping from my chest animically
And don't donate, For i don't take other's property

Umm, when you donate you GIVE blood not recieve

I never snatch, Or take what belongs to you
I'd grant my own heart...Quicker than John Q.

So you just contradicted yourself...now your a giver?

And that's how it is, And that's how it's done
When surgical procedures come, They'll find the coldest 1

The 2nd lines flow was kinda off...stay near syllabul count and use commas wisley

A heart that overcomes innocent minds
And overruns your belifes and leaves the rest behind

If you could drop 1 or 2 syllabuls from 2nd line this would have been a perfect line

Over your heard, My pump of life is too complex
1 second laughing, The next demanding threats

I dont get what your saying, but nothing wrong with the lines

Occasionally paranoid, So Sometimes i wear vests
But not often, Cuz my heart also fiends for flesh

i dont know what it is but something about the wording of this line rubs me the wrong way

Go after Innocence, Hiding deep in the corner
Yellin' & bitchin', Or the rain seems to fall harder

You did not need the comma in 2nd line

Like a split personality............... it's looking....
Looking for it's true self...but it remains looking

I guess? no comment here

Crooked, Twisted, And an unheard of bloodtype
"Sir, There seems to be no reason why your alive"

"And an" hurt the flow a little...and type-alive was a hard rhyme

Overall..
Your content was good in most of the piece, as the approach was good too. Besides the many, MANY, comments i made.. biggest pet peeve is your word choise...try and expand... you dont have to have huge words, just find more ways to say the same thing

Since you didnt expect all that, here goes what you did expect
shit was str8 fiya, dope as fukk.... 10/10
hit up my battle, i str8 murked dis herb

LOL, your welcome

ight uppin for some more

...Hmmm...Personally I thought 'John Q' line was a little corny...but, hey..What do I know...???....keep up...^^

yo homie...that flow was tight....it stayed on topic the whole way, the vocab, wordplay, structure was all good. nothin bad bout this except u tried a lil to hard with the vocab.......keep at it son.

peace

I think this was forsure a nice piece.....There were a couple things that could have been possibly replaced, but this was nice...I think it brings a good point about the anatomy of a man...The structure was good rhyme scheme was on target overall nice read...

keep it up kid...ooooooooooooo

woot woot!

good drop thrust, you had a great structure straight flow nice wordplay as well, i liked how you went with this topic it was very good, keep it up...check out my open mic it's in my sig thanks

pz

yeh nice structure, nice vocab wordplay, an some real impressive shit.

nice drop an overall i'll ggive it an 8/10

It was okay. I see a lot of stuff like this. Flow was a little rocky, but who's isn't? Ending was good. Quotes are never used, and you did, so that's good.

^lol dude...quoting is for herbs... like quotting wordplay...
i was meaning by the doctor speaking

This will be deleted if u dont follow rules hoe = )

J/k!!

This was niceness = ) ..but still u need work on some points, ..
Multis..vocab could be upped..flow was nice content aswell..
But u will grow like butterfly's still remains a nice read.. = ) Dizzle

Oh and dont rhyme same words..it suxiShizzle.. = )

Up^

shit was ill dawg, i liked the perspective of the whole thing, and the imagery of your mind and heart workin together to write this, hold em down