hhm, well all i can say is it can be improved..lets look at the good points first..well, to me it sounded quite like an eminem piece..you know? also kinda reminded me of Tupacs lines 'No love for my daddy coz the coward wasn't there' this is a good this to write about, a topic that contains a lot of hard emotion, you could take this to a level of your own..like you said, its an old piece, no doubt you have picked up on techniques since you wrote this..my advice to you is to rewrite this, using your origional concept, but using more multis and enhanced vocabulary..