Well, as I see it, who gives a fuck about the dead...their better off than we are.
Fuck these candy-coated comments and critique. The only way people listen, is to get it raw, uncut, unpolished...so here goes.
Quote:
Originally posted by ak-mixa
dis dedicated to all my perished real dead niggas
picked off by bullets from infrared beam rifle triggas
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-They can't be any more "real dead" than dead, buddy. And it seems you're referring to a selected few of dead people...those who've only been killed by "infrared beam rifle triggas"?. I don't really fancy gun reference..deems immaturity.
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every corner adjacent no time for contemplating
can't see whats waiting coming evil as Satan
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-Well, nice bit of vocabulary, but what relevance does it have with your piece? If you had started out with something along these lines..then maybe, your piece would be half decent.
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thugs and gangstas showing all their tats
telling em' dawg, I guarantee I got yo back
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-No. Just no. You never include the words "thugs" and gangstas" in a literary piece, unless you're mocking it..but never taking it into serious context.
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apparitions and ghastly deadly casted minions
witnessed and percieve my niggas shot unforgiven
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-Must be some inside shit. Because I don't get it. You're just being redundant. Ghastly, is Deadly. When you're dead, you become a ghost (in some beliefs). The last line could've made it, only if you would've excluded the "nigga"...give it a sense of morality. Give it it's own persona...we don't like e-thugs.
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AK ruling every boys lifeless retribution
drinking da deaths of bloody communion
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-?...You went from incredibly wack, to What the fuck?
Quote:
suffering from nostalgia and grotesque nightmares
God why did I see my niggas get murdered there?
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-Curious, what are you nostalgic from?
Fuck the rest. I respect the little time I have here on earth. Maybe your verse will come to life and eat you alive...for writing it so badly. It's the only revenge that's pliable to the human mind.
Pick it up kid. You were promising in some parts. You've got the vocabulary...use it. You have plenty of time to elevate..in terms of multi's, wordplay..etc. You'll make it.
Elevate.