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Old 12-24-03, 11:34 AM   #6
Aisle Phive
AKA Cereal Shelf
 
Posts: 1,852
From: New Jersey
IP:

Personally, I thought it was nice. Flow was dope, I could see this becoming an audio verse as well. Structure was aight, not too shabby. Vocab was used well, wordplay was ehhh. Multis were forced in some parts, which can hurt a piece bad. But The only issue I really had was that you were telling a story but you weren't at the same time. The story left a lot to desire. . it seemed like you were trying to tell a story but then stopped. You did that on and off in your piece. What I recommend you do, is have 10-20 lines of explaining the situation in detail, give facts and info to help draw a picture. Just explain everything in the beginning so you don't get caught up explaining anything important while you're trying to convey a story. Overall the piece was good.

Work on:

Not forcing multis
Even the bars out a bit
Better rhyme scheme
Staying on topic

Keep droppin. .

Oooooh, a reply would be nice here as well.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...Phuture+Courses
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