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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Once I went to the library. I said, "I'd like a book on the Heimlich anti-choking maneuver," and the guy said, "look at the card catalog. I'm busy." So I go to the card catalog. I look under Heimlich and choking and maneuver. It's not any of those places. And I see this first aid book with the section and I take it and that guy said, "It's a reference book. You can't take it out; you have to Xerox it." I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" He said, "It's not a bank, it's a library." So I go tho this souvenir stand and I said, "Do you have change for a dollar?" They said, "It's not a bank, it's a souvenir stand." So I go to this bank, and they said, "Yes, this is a bank." And they give me the change and I come back to it. And by this time there's a line of students Xeroxing their books or whatever and I -- finally I Xerox the Heimlich. As I go back the guy says, "Put it back, now that you've used it." So I put it back. And as I leave, he says, "Thank you." I said, "Well, thank you! I'm never coming to this barn again." And I went back to my car. Now by this time, my sister's almost purple from the chicken bone...

You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid ... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. The list went on and on. She's very beautiful. She has a heart-shaped face -- not like a Valentine's heart, but like a real heart, with the veins and the arteries...

My girldfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas...

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...