good to see you treach =)

The story telling aspect of this piece dominated. It outlined the basic things that were going on. I think if you had added some metaphors and wordplay in it would have been more effective. Maybe writing two lines about how he has to live at his dad because his mom started charging rent. Maybe explain why she did this, etc. You get the gist, try to elaborate on points with the use of metas and wordplay, because it makes the piece harder hitting. The ending was fairly good, I think it might have added to it if you had told us what he was thinking, or described it from his perspective instead of just being a narrator. It helps to show more than one side of a story.

Another aspect you can improve is flow. It's always good to write a piece that just rolls of the tongue. Try to make the syllables in your bars the same length, or close to it, so it all comes out nicely. I usually try to make my syllables around 12, but it's a matter of preference. Once you get your flow down, adding in more multies and internals becomes easier.

This was a good piece dude, but if you work on these things you will improve a lot.
Peace =)

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Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis