It looks like your concept and flow was good but I couldn't really follow it because of the structure. I'm sure you've heard people say it before, how you rhyme each line... I usually write it like:

......................................rhyme//
..........................................rhyme//

it makes it easier to read, this one kinda looks like it's all squished together to make one paragraph type... it was good overall but I suggest trying different topics and practicing how your going to get your message across....Nice work man, keep it up!