^ you need to leave better feedback

And You should have just posted it all in one post.

But this wasnt too bad...structure could use some work though, some of your lines were stretched out a bit, just watch for that, should try to keep them around the same length so its structured good and so it helps the flow out in your pieces...also try adding some multies to this to make it better....try to up your vocab some too...but keep at it.