Anxiety attacks from always yelling on the phone
Its time to relax, I'm getting on the train to go home

An ok line.. but, i think you conveyed the wrong emotion here. Why? because, you went from "anxiety" (seemingly jumpy, quick) too relaxation in only a few words.. just didnt really go together too well. i think you should have added in a couple more lines and made a smoother transition.. the part about being anxious got me reading faster, and then when it said it was time to relax...i was still reading fast... shoulda had a smoother transition .

I look at this couple, sitting in the car ahead of me
The look in their eyes screams of deep intimacy

You need to get the rhyming down pat a little more here. Intimacy and ahead of me dont really rhyme very well, it gave off an "air" of choppiness which should be a flawless flow. I also don't think that "screams" was the best word choice here. Intimacy and screams just dont exactly convey the same emotion. you could have instead said something more "hypnotic" describing intimacy better.

Their moments should confiscate itself to just them
I can’t help but stare, not bothering to pretend

nothing really wrong with this ...

I can tell that they don’t have much to their name
His shoes are decaying, blue jeans fading to gray

his shoes being gray doesnt really say much about his character..ok, it shows maybe he doesnt have enough money to buy new jeans.. but that doesnt describe the couple well...

The way they see each other, is my sight erred
How can they be happy, this has got to be absurd

doesnt rhyme in my mind, maybe we speak differently...

But I digress, I was on my way home...

She drapes her leg over his leg, he smells her hair
I don’t hear what he says; it is theirs not to share

its theirs not to share ? word better, that statement doesnt make much sense to me... something cant belong to two people without them sharing, lol ..

He runs his finger along her thigh, worn from wear
They speak of marriage and affording a proper ring
He’s willing to put in extra hours, save for next spring

ok this was pretty good here...but worn from wear is the same two words, and is her thigh worn from wear or his finger? better comma placement here might be needed. in this sentence technically ur saying with ur comma placement that her thighs worn from wear as i see it, but i think you mean the finger..
but now i read the next line, and it goes with the ring idea... nice connection...guess the first line was ok after all..

Now I sit confused, can love really conquer greed
But how can they be happy they have no money

doesnt really rhyme... pretty simple...u should use more expression through more complex wording..

But I digress, I was on my way home...

When I reached my stop, they exited as well
I tracked their retreat to near where I dwell
They were in a loving embrace, all alone
I saw it was my face, the one I loved... and our walk home

nice ending.. simple again... but nice for this part..





i'll do the other verses laster. -feebz