very good drop for someone of your "lowly" status... don't be so quick to say that, posts arn't what make an emcee great. Your potential shines brightly through this piece. Already working with complex rhyme schemes, though it wasn't perfect, with practice you could become something special on this site. If I can give a quick piece of advice, try to make all of your lines about the same amount of syllables. Like this.

XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXX

ok, I'll leave you alone now lol........