Very nice piece. Its the most original piece i think i've read. and not only is it original but its a great concept as well. Your flow i thought was off a little in a couple lines, but you probly did it too a certain beat, and made it flow to that beat. I noticed some nice wordplay in there, and good use of metaphors.

Id give this a 9/10, Very decent drop. Keep at it.
Pz........