I didn't like it. I understand it's your first though. Your flow is okay, try to throw some internals in there though. Too simplistic...that was my biggest problem with it. When I think Open Mic...I think deep and emotional. Now, everyone likes a good simplistic Open Mic now and then...but there's gotta be a certain context to it. It wasn't bad for your first one I guess, but work on multi's and internal rhyming. Try to be more emotional with your piece. Put in imagery...it'll enhance your writing ten fold.

Problems:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108962