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Old 01-23-04, 11:51 PM   #4
Maven
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wow...immaculate flow, I really enjoyed that.
the words flowed so well they seemed to overlap.
a few of the rhymes seemed forced, but it still sounded okay.
your content was so-so, but you stuck right to the topic.
there was a serious lack of multies, they aren't really necessary, however they make you piece look and sound a lot better.
Your internal rhyming was very well done, though you scheme was rather inconsistant, it was still quite dope. It's cool to try to work in the topic throughout the piece....you talked about it throughout, but made no actual effort to put the phrase into the main body of your writing. If you develope the topic as a pattern element, it really amplifies the meaning you are trying to convey.
Also, try topic flips. Don't go with the exact meaning of the words in the topic you're given, fuck around with em a bit, re arrange them, spell them out, see what you get. Sometimes your piece can end up being about something that noone else would have thought of, and then you get originality points.
just some advice.
nice piece though, this is one of the first I've read from you, quite impressive =)
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