the forst thing id say is the flow it choppy..... even out the syllable count a bit, and carry the rhyming further, it will help.... and at the minute the scheme is too simple... add some internals... and some nice multis... it will add to the read.... make it more interesting... and will definately help the flow....
....return the favour....
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=109245