Damn LoL some good ish...




The Stress And Strain Is Slowly Killing My Brain
Emotions Of Eternal Pain Are Currupting Me From Sain
good begging. its already showing emotional distress
It's Been Years Of Hate Love Divorced To Simply Migrate
Horrified At This Rate..Even My Blood May Seperate
the divorced seperate part is a good connection on your bar... the picture your starting to develop in this verse paints a emotional one. one with alot of sat back and witnessed type of pain
Friends Use To Care Now They Disapeared Into Air
This Future I Wasn't Aware Of Love So Easily Dispaired
this bar is good except i would have worded the last bit of your follow through a little diffrent
So I'll Inprovize In Sorrow Cause I Hate Tomorrow
Your Life Can I Borrow? Mines Assualted Core..Oh
I like your follow through, it shows a longing for empathy
..but yuo didn't know..or understand..
Why?
Leaving the audience open to a general question.. A good way to really open up your verse to the people reading (if the following)
Everybody Reachen When Nobody Listens To Teachings
Sick'a Hearing The Preaching..The Rumors..Give Me A Reason
[b] feeling like theres nothing left... a good bar
Why I Helped My Friends..Now I Find Whom I Trust Depends
All the Vibral Messages Sent They Just Going To Leave Me Again
to me this shows an open hearted personal taken advantage of, and they realize itbut still have a longing of i want to be excepted
So I'm Trapped Always Praying For My Old Life Back..
With Honesty Perhaps Loyalty That Doesn't Attack
good metaphor here
But None Of This Occurs..Nobody Will Ever Be Pure
So Slit My Wriste For Him And Her..The Presents Cure
hmm.. this verse has sort of been building to a point like this. the presents cure, good wording
As I Stand On The Oceon Doc And Fall to The Bottom To Rocks
I See The Crocks Of Harrasment..From The Betrayel Of Cocks
good connection to other bars.. follow through, im feeling it
Resurection..I Kill My Hope For Respect To live In Harmony Aspects
Enjoy My Very Last Breaths..As I Sink Down to Waters Depths
nice ending. it put everything together and gives you a great on topic build up.

Over all you build up nicly to the topic with a good ending. The the flow on the end could have been brought out a little bit better with some diffrent wording but it was still good. Vocab was good, diffrent from a battle structure. I like it nice piece.




At birth we float in the depths,
Then from that forsaken place we leave…
nice opening, your words show a slower build up with how the verse will play out
Conceive the earth in owns eyes,
Then look at the maker as we first breathe…
your verse is moving with double explaining, i like that. Its giving us more in an understanding an leading us.
From depths of water I hale as a frail child,
Grown now to be what these elders call wild…
you jumped ahead alot, i think you might have lost a little bit of understanding why hes wild with doing so
Out of control but it doesn’t scare me, no,
Saw nails in a mans hands and feet to spilt blood below…
you have a some direction to the above bar. your follow through shows an unspoken connection with the time frame..you switched it up a little, and moved on alot more than i thought you would , but your wording shows a sence of growth.
Un-religious but with belief and understanding,
Un-orthodox how some one’s life to be ended was so demanding…
good bar, showing a diffrent outlook compaired to the time period
Losing the depth of his water as he suffered,
No help, jus the sound of the words he mummerd…
good metaphor, your followthrough wasnt bad either, it offer a good view of whats happening
But only what I saw, to create a story of un-glory,
Something my child from the depths will see before he…
it shows a since of caring i think for whats happening to the man. wishing that things turn out diffrently for there child, a longing to have children, then coming back to him realizing hes wild
But I only plea for time that I can see what I’ve first seen,
Creation from depths of water to really comprehend reality not dreams…
i think this bar has a great connection with the above one
But I don’t wanna see end, back to depths but not of water,
Or maybe like the man I saw n’ herd of to see depths would be revivification to order…
i thinks this shows a great connection to the bible in the sence of a witness that sees part of the story

Great verse, your structure was good and had some good metaphors in there. The connection with Christ showed us a dipiction of a some one else seeing what the bible has taught us during the time frame it talks about. i liked your verse, the topic from birth to death was good but could have been used better in the verse.

Both great pieces

Vote- rule
i just felt like his verse came off a little more on topic, showed a better story connection.

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