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Old 02-01-04, 05:31 PM   #11
Speek.E.Z.
Old School Sexy...
 
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alright, lets break this down..

Why!!??...
Please tell me why God did this have to happen to me?
Lavishly a nation at our feet we were lacking to see
good opener it got me interested in the topic and wanting to read on..
& I was shagging a fleet, but horrible rumors infest
Truth be told...
...was a sudden pain in my chest, when they ingressed
shagging a fleet? i didn't really understand that part.. but the 2nd line made up for that..
My actions depicted as evil and I regret my vengenance
Repentance? I put my conscience through death sentence
you could of reworded the second line a bit better to make it more significant because it would of been better because this seems like a turning point
How foolish I was. . .to justify my actions through hate
Just as soon as he died . . . bitch forfilled her own fate
this needed to be reworded the 2nd line was missing a few lines to make this a real good bar..
I rather been mistreated on instead of been cheated on
Beated on, self worth I feel it cursed of sons to be John
best line in the whole piece, really caught my eye, very simple vocab but it flowed really well
Led many to graves but praised he was so cunning & brave
I was a slave to my jealousy cuz he was the newest rage
flowed really well another really good line, its starting to pick up here..
Remembering the times...when "it was so hard to get her"
For worse or better...
..I never thought I would ever write a "dear john letter"
For worse or better? it just sounds awkward, should of been for better or worse, but we still got the point
*Water turns deep red*

Dear John oh I wish with all my soul for Divine Remedy
Sorry children...
...I can't bare being Ms. instead of being Mrs. Kenedy
it was an alright ending, if you would of reworded the 2nd line better it would of been alot better.. For Example
Sorry children...
...I can no longer strive as Ms. instead of being Mrs. Kennedy..


Overall
This piece was really, good it got better near the end, some of the lines could of been reworded alot better to make it a better piece. Also I dislike how you went for structure instead of wording, that may win battles but in Topicals structure should be sacrificed for the strength of the perfect line. Overall it was a good piece a little rewording here and placing of different words there, and this could of been alot better. I feel you have the ability to drop a real dope open mic, but you just need to work on a few bugs.
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