Well.. Lets start shall we?

Your concept.. Isn't terribly original if not a degree away from played. Suicide is a common topic with you depressed middle class kids! But nonetheless this was an alright read.. Nothing terribly mind-blowing. Much like reading a grade-school poem, minus the death part.

And I cannot stress enough to everyone that.. Smileys do not have any added effect in your open mic and they just look stupid. Ahh, now your rhyme scheme was a tad simple.. I caught the occasional multi.. But no real internal/external rhymes happening at all.

You're not all that bad.. You just need to work on internal/external rhyme scheme and come up with a half-decent topic and just keep writing.

Stay up. pz.

eripsni-

EDIT -

Also, never ever post a poll in open mic.. You won't get better by looking at the votes.. You'll get better from the comments that people leave.